On Fire
by LanaaLuthor
Summary: Hunger Games trilogy from Katniss & Haymitch POV. What if all Katniss felt toward Gale was brotherly affection and her romance with Peeta was only for cameras? What if she found real love in an older and broken man. A man who was just like herself.
1. Chapter 1

**Description: **Hunger Games trilogy from Katniss & Haymitch POV. What if all Katniss felt toward Gale was brotherly affection and her romance with Peeta was only for cameras? What if she found real love in an older and broken man. A man who was just like herself.

**AN: **I always liked older man and when they're blond… well, I'm lost:D So obviously, when going to see Hunger Games I fell totally for Haymitch and then decided to make my version of the story. I usually write Smallville fics, but how many can I? It's time to try something new, especially when I feel inspired so much that I will just burst if I don't write it down.

**So, **as I am experienced writer, hoping for such a career, you can be sure that the whole story will be delivered to you. I always finish what I start and never leave anything behind. You can safely start reading it: ) It's my 67th story, so that is something, isn't it?

**Below I present **a preview to this fanfic, so you know what to expect. It's taken from a further development of the action and I think you can easily guess which part it is.

I will not rewrite the whole trilogy, because I don't see any point in that. I will just present both Katniss and Haymitch's POVs and add something from myself as well : )

**OH! And there is a video to this story. Unfortunately, it got blocked on youtube. Obviously, you cannot use some footage, so I put it on sendspace and you can download it from there:**

**sendspace com/file/0mhlon**

**It is on my youtube channel also, but the music is cut off at some point, but you can see the beginning to decide if you want to get the whole thing: youtube com/watch?v=pruVydAiBhc**

**Also, the links will appear in whole in my profile.**

**You can sub me, there is new video about Haymitch & Katniss coming!**

Sorry for the quality of the second part of the vid but there was nothing I could do. I can't tell why, but it will be clear when you get there. At least, the final kiss went great because of it : ) YAY! Now, off to preview and the story right after it…

* * *

**Preview/tease:**

_Katniss POV_

I am sick that I can't kiss him because there are cameras everywhere. I would just like to hold him, to feel him next to me and to never let him go.

But I know I will never see him again. My heart breaks and I can see in his eyes that his breaks too. I turn around. I walk away. I leave.

Then I feel it's all wrong! I can't just disappear like that and leave him with nothing. To leave him to his own excruciating pain and grief.

So I come back. I thrust myself into his arms and whisper, "I love you," into his ear.

He is the only one that can hear it and he says, "I love you too."

His hold on me is strong and desperate. I can feel him slowly breaking and I don't want to see his hurt face now. How can I leave him like this? How can I?!

But if I don't, the Capitol will force me and kill me. If I do leave him, I will be dead anyway. There is no other option, no way out, no alternative. I am doomed. Our love is doomed.

Then he's holding me a little too tight. I know we need to break soon because they will get suspicious.

"You will come back to me," he whispers and then lets me go.

He didn't promise me what I wanted but I can't be possibly angry about that. I also can't come back. I will do anything to save Peta, even without Haymitch help. I owe him. He is the most purest and good person of all of us and he doesn't deserve to die so two broken people could get back to each other.

I cast Haymitch one last look. My eyes are already full of tears.

He is mine forever and there will be no one else. And our romance, our love ends as fast as it started, once again killed by the Capitol. My rage for them is just too big to describe in words. I need to make them pay.

I need to make them pay for forcing me to love someone I don't in front of cameras all my life. To get engaged, to keep pretending while the man I really loved was slowly dying inside because of it.

* * *

**Part 1**

_Haymitch POV_

I can barely stand it.

The day is here. Twenty four years since I won my Quarter Quell and now I need to go back up on that stage and watch another Reaping. Another pair of Tributes that I will have to coach and then send to death. I stopped being delusional a long time ago. Once I won I thought I could help at least one Tribute to make it. I was wrong. So deeply wrong… there was always someone better, someone well trained, someone deadly. There were Careers and those were the ones that always killed my pupils. And I had to watch it. And then I needed to go home alone, see all those painful looks shot at me. All those families that had sent their children to the arena, counting on me to help. And I failed them all.

Of course it wasn't long before I started drinking. It was my escape, the only thing that kept me going, the only thing that stopped the nightmares. They started when I came home as a Victor. I always dreamt of the arena, of the people I killed or watched die, of Maysille. Then when I got my own Tributes, I saw them dying. With every year more and more of them. At one point I was the one doing the killing. I couldn't take it anymore, so I took to drinking.

Since the moment I picked up my first bottle I fell into a routine: drink all year long, show up at the Reaping, stop drinking for a while or just cut it down a little, couch the tributes but never get too attached to them, do my best, watch them die, come home and repeat.

My life was miserable but I couldn't just kill myself. Oh no, the Capitol might have put me into that arena but they have no control over me now. Killing myself would be giving up, giving in. They would win if I did it. I needed to be strong enough to show them that I am still standing, that I keep on surviving.

And now I watch a twelve year old being picked for the Repeating.

I know it already. She will be the lost cause and if I want to give a real chance to someone, I will not be able to bet on her.

They are sickening, those thoughts that need to appear in my heard every time, but I can't help it. I need to keep trying on helping the best tribute.

Then something unusual happens.

A young woman, probably still a girl as her name must be in the vase too, steps out of the crowd, screaming, "I volunteer! I volunteer as Tribute!"

She is desperate. She is doing it for her little sister, I can tell. One may think that after all those years I get used to the cruelty of the Capitol, of the blood being spilled, but… something inside of me breaks and I regret I haven't drunk enough alcohol this morning.

The girl, Katniss Everdeen as now I know her name is, goes onto the stage.

She is beautiful, I can see that. She must be seventeen because she looks very grown up. Maybe she is one of those girls that have been providing for her family since they were children. It is very common those days and I regret not showing up in the town more. But then I scold myself, I can't show up there because every child I see, every young woman or man is a potential Tribute for me and I see them bleeding and dying in front of my eyes.

I need a drink.

Then Effie calls a man. His name is Peeta Mellark.

I look at those two Tributes and I can't decide. Which one be the one I will try to save? Which one will be the one sentenced to death?

The girl looks scared a little, but I like what she did. She stepped in for her sister. That was something. She also doesn't look fragile, she looks tough like all those years in District 12 hardened her up.

The boy is close her age although somehow he looks younger than her. He seems to be very innocent. I know at instance that the rest of the Tributes will slaughter him in the arena and I feel sick.

I need a drink. _Now._

So I guess I will bet on the girl.

* * *

I make an appearance for a brief moment when we are already on the train. I drink because I can't deal with it. It is too much. Every year is just too much…

I look at the girl and the boy.

When my eyes meet her blue ones something inside me stirs and I am afraid I will get attached. I need to avoid that for all cost. For my own sanity.

The boy asks what to do once they will be on the arena. Maybe I underestimated him. He looks innocent, but there is a force inside of him that wants to stay alive.

So I say it. I am too drunk to think anyway, so in my moment of weakness I mock then, "Stay alive."

And I disappear again.

* * *

The girl is the one to surprise me the next morning at breakfast.

I barely trot into the room in my bath-robe and they already start asking questions. The girl is more eager today and she keeps asking about finding a shelter. Maybe all finally sunk in and she realized she needs to stay alive like I said to her the previous day.

That is the ugly truth. The Tributes, at least those who aren't Careers, don't want to kill, don't want to fight for their lives. It is brutal to them, inhuman. But then… their eyes open up and they realize they want to live after all, so the Capitol wins because on the arena everyone fights to save their own ass.

"Give me a break, sweetheart," I tell her, trying to pour myself some alcohol. I notice my robe is open a little on my chest so I fix it. I don't know why, but it doesn't feel right to expose myself to her eyes. There is something in there… I push it aside and try to drink.

"Can you pass the marmalade?" I ask and then I see a flash of something silver and a knife is suddenly stuck in the table, right between my fingers. One inch and she would hurt me.

I look at her, stunned, and she looks at me.

I can't help but feel my blood boiling under the scrutiny of her sight. Her eyes, so beautiful, so grey.

Maybe I'm still drunk?

"That is mahogany!" I hear Effie's outraged voice and the moment is broken.

I know one thing though. I need to bet on the girl. She is the one that will get out of there alive. She has better chances than Peeta.

* * *

The official presentation goes on and I nearly lose my breath when I see my Tributes.

Are those people really them?

The boy I definitely recognize, but Katniss…

She is transformed. She's smiling and waving to the audience and she is so… beautiful, I can't help but notice. Her dark hair up, her makeup, her costume… Cinna made her desirable and I like it. Then their costumes are caught on fire and I know I need to thank the stylist. He did a great job. He made my Tributes worth remembering, they aren't just faces in the crowd anymore, they are being recognized. This is the first step to success.

* * *

I am blown away. Elated. Excited. For the first time for… I don't even remember!

But I know now… no, more… I am _sure _we stand a chance this year! Maybe I can keep her alive long enough so she would win.

My girl! She was genius in there!

I go to see my Tributes and I don't even think of drinking now.

I walk into the room with my thumbs up.

I smile to her and she smiles back and… I prefer not to think of how her eyes sparkle when she looks at me.

"Nice shooting, sweetheart," I pay her a compliment and take the my sit. "What they did when you… shot the arrow?"

"Well, they looked pretty startled," she answers me and I laugh. When was the last time I did that?

"And what did you say? Thanks for…?"

"Thank you for your consideration," she tells me happily.

"Genius!" I am so excited. "Genius!" Our eyes lock again and I need to break the contact. There is something going on here and I know it is only from my side. God, I know I have been living a life in confinement, but I get a female tribute every year. Why this one should be any different?

Then we watch the results and Katniss scored… eleven.

I couldn't be more proud of her now.

* * *

**AN **I hope you like it so far. Please, comment and sub!


	2. Chapter 2

**AN **I don't know what else to say but: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

So many readers followed and so many reviews in just one day! You're awesome, guys!

There are more videos about Katniss & Haymitch on my youtube account and some still to come. My channel is Smallvillevids.

I promise to not disappoint you! I just came up with so many great ideas for this fic that my head is on fire and I am typing the next part! It will be love, it will be sad and heartbreaking, but it will be beautiful! I think you will especially like my _Mockinjay _part, but that will come when I will be done with the first two!

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

Peeta is in love with Katniss.

Of course he is, I tell myself. They are the same age, so young love is right when my strange fascination with Katniss is totally wrong. I am nearly forty, aren't I? Well, their possible romance would be right if not for the Games, I correct my previous thought.

I put my personal feelings aside and use that information to build a strategy for Katniss. Do I use the poor boy for that? Maybe. But the Games are ruthless and I can't let myself be sorry for anyone. I need to make Katniss Everdeen desirable. I need to create a vision of star crossed lovers, because what else could be more appealing to the audience?

* * *

I am right.

When Katniss comes onto the stage, for I moment I am speechless. The fiery dress, her hair, her makeup… she looks gorgeous. I wouldn't ask for more if only she could talk to audience.

I can tell she is nervous and awkward, but fortunately, Flinkman is experienced, so he manages to get the best out of talks about her sister and when Katniss finally answers his question, the audience is in tears.

"What did you say to your sister before goodbye?"

"I said I would try to win for her."

Then Katniss stands up and starts spinning and her dress looks like it has caught fire.

I am sure no one will forget her on the arena. For that she is called the girl on fire and my job is done.

Peeta only ignites it when he confesses in front of everyone that he is in love with Katniss.

The story is sold. Now I know the people from Capitol will root for them, they will want to see how the tragic romance ends.

* * *

When the interviews are over I go look for my tributes and surprisingly, I find Katniss strangling Peeta.

"What the hell was that?!" she yells at him, mad as a hornet.

"Hey! Hey!" I jump to them, take Katniss and drag her away from the terrified boy.

"Did you hear what he said?!" Katniss suddenly turns to me and our faces are so close I can smell her perfumes. They must have put it on her when they were preparing her, but it doesn't matter. I love that smell. And I feel I am losing my grip.

"Yes, I did," I answer, putting myself together. "He did you a favor!"

"He told everyone that he's in love with me and that's supposed to be a favor?! He made me weak!"

I am watching her face and know that she doesn't feel the same for the boy. She is angry because now the whole world thinks she does or will eventually.

"Katniss, we need to play along," I say, lowering my voice, trying to calm her down as I rub my hand up and down her arms. "He did you a favor," I repeat, "He made you desirable and that is what you need. It doesn't matter how well you can shoot your arrows or how good you look in a dress caught on fire. What matters is also what you say and how you act. We already established you have problems with that, so just leave it alone."

She is looking me in the eye for a few seconds and then she suddenly backs away and disappears in her room.

"That was smooth," Effie tells me sarcastically.

I think I did my best. What else could have I said to her? She needs to learn to listen to me. She needs to learn she can't just do what she likes and expects that she will find allies and sponsors in the arena.

* * *

I can't sleep. I can't even drink what is new to me.

I just decided to stop when Katniss scored eleven in her evaluation.

It just doesn't seem right to be drunk when someone depends on me for her life. Maybe she doesn't realize the grandeur of it all right now, but she will depend on me. I am the only one who can help her when she is wounded in the arena, needing medical assistance. That is why I have already started talking to all possible sponsors and selling them the girl on fire. I leave Peeta alone because I have to. Only one winner comes out of there and if I help the two of them at once, it will not be sufficient enough. I need to focus on only one.

I feel hot as I think of it all. Even if Katniss wins, I will come back home with her and everyone will be cheering for her, but there will be a family that will be grieving. There will still be someone to hate me. No one ever really wins because of that. If there was one tribute per District, things would be easier, but Capitol would never allow it. Snow knows exactly what he is doing to the people and he will never stop.

I walk out of my room. I need fresh air. I need to get out of those Capitol walls or I will suffocate there. I am also afraid to go to sleep because then, without the alcohol, the nightmares will start and I am not ready for it. The next day two of my tributes will go into the arena and that will be a nightmare enough.

My feet lead my upstairs and to the roof. I can't leave the building as it's guarded in case any tribute would try running away, but I can get up. There are precautions there too in case someone wants to commit suicide, but naturally, I am not one of those people.

When I open the door and make a few steps forward, I stop on seeing Katniss there. She is sitting on the edge, legs dangling from the roof.

"Careful there," I say, "you don't want to fall."

She doesn't seem startled that someone has just interrupted her thoughts. She answers, "You know better than I do that falling is not possible."

"That is right," I admit and make my way to her. "May I?" I ask before I sit.

She nods, so I lower myself and sit beside her, my feet also dangling in the air now.

"You can't sleep?" I ask. I don't really know what to tell her, how to comfort her. Obviously, I am not very good at that. I can only sit here with her.

Or maybe I should go? But I can't. Once I am here, I am here to stay. Tomorrow she will be gone and I may never have the chance to talk to her again or to see her smiling to me.

"Yes," she says, but does not look at me. "It's disgusting," I suddenly hear from her and I freeze.

What is disgusting exactly? Is she talking about me liking her? She can't possibly know that, can she? Or maybe it's exactly what I need? A metaphoric kick in my guts to know that I will never be able to catch an interest of so much younger girl.

"What is?" I finally find my voice to ask, although it's strangely hoarse.

"All of this." She points the Capitol that we can see in its whole glory now. "It's disgusting! Look at all those people. All they do is wear ridiculous clothes, color their skin as there was something wrong with the natural shade of it, wear that stupid hats and wigs and… watch the kids from Panem dying on TV. They are monsters, Haymitch. How can they enjoy it?"

Something warms up in me when I hear her saying my name.

"I know it's hard to watch," I tell her, "but I want you to know that not everyone here is like that. You need to try to understand them. For seventy four years all they have known is this, the Hunger Games. They don't see anything wrong in them because Snow taught them it's alright. They parents taught them. They were raised that way and they do not know any other way of living."

"Then it's devastating," Katniss says. "It's the end of the world if we act like that."

I don't have any answer to that, so I stay silent, just enjoying her company.

"How did you survive, Haymitch?" she suddenly asks me and finally takes a closer look at me.

I meet her eyes and try to assess if she knows what I feel, but I guess she doesn't. I remember how she reacted to Peeta's display of affection. That girl is oblivious to how irresistible she is and that makes her even more desirable. She has a spark in her and she can fight for herself. She will never be subdued by anyone and I both love it and fear it. I fear it because the Capitol may try to kill her for it.

"I…" I stop. What am I supposed to tell her? "I guess I tried not to stay in one place for long. I was avoiding fighting and… I think I was just lucky. I won because of luck."

"I don't think I can afford to think like this. I need to fight. I can't just…"

"Katniss, Katniss, hey," I say because she seems to get nervous. I put my hand on hers and just then realize what I have done. She doesn't pull away though, so maybe she needs that comfort. She looks at me and I tell her, "You want to survive and come home to your sister? Just listen to me. Don't try to cause a public scene like you did today and in the arena… don't play a hero. Don't go for Cornucopia for anything unless you are sure you can get it and run. If you're not, just run away. Hide. Find water so you don't get dehydrated. You can hunt. Use that to your advantage."

Her eyes are glassy but she doesn't cry. She just sends me a feeble smile.

"Thank you," she says.

We stay there for a few more quiet minutes and I feel like we connected somehow. There is a bond created between us and I know she will trust me and listen to me. For now I don't worry. But just for now.

Then she gets up, places her hand on my shoulder and leaves it there for a second, then goes away.

It is lonely without her but I am used to being lonely, aren't I? It's all I'm doing all my life.

Then I get up too and head for my room. I need, after all, some sleep, so I will be on alert tomorrow. I need to keep her alive. I owe her that.

* * *

Next thing I know I am walking her to the airborne that will take her to the arena.

We do not speak, we just enjoy our company. At least I do. And maybe she does need someone by her side for a moment too.

When the elevator door to the roof open I remember last night. I wish we could stay there forever, but it's impossible. The clock is ticking. It is always ticking.

When she needs to go I turn to her and place my hands on her face.

"Katniss," I say softly, looking deeply into those grey eyes of hers, "You can do this."

"Thanks." She smiled to me and she walks away.

I can only hope it's not the last time I see her. I don't count the time I will be watching her on screen.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I am already in the arena, waiting for the gong.

I hear the countdown…

I remember Haymitch's words: _Don't play a hero. Don't go for Cornucopia… Run away. Hide. You can hunt. Use that to your advantage._

I decide to listen but maybe… just maybe I can get that one backpack I see.

The countdown is almost over and suddenly, I feel so lonely.

I think of Haymitch, of the way he seemed to believe in me. I remember Peeta's bitter words when he told me on the train that his mother thinks that District Twelve may have a winner this year, but not her son.

I can do this, I think. For Prim. For my mum. For Haymitch.

I can do this.

I hear _one _and I run…


	3. Chapter 3

**AN **Just want to give you some heads up. The updates won't be every day. I just have more time this weekend, but I will write whenever I will be able to!

I need to get through the Hunger Games 1 for the real fun to start, but it's coming soon… _very _soon!

Thank you again for following and leaving me reviews! The story wouldn't be alive without you!:*

* * *

**Part 3**

_Katniss POV_

I am lucky. I manage to get the backpack I was aiming for, but I nearly die.

I run as fast as I can and as further into the forest. It is a relief that this is this year's arena. If I can survive somewhere, it is in the forest. I already practically live in it or… I was, since I probably will not come home to District 12.

I will not give up and won't stop fighting. Killing people does not appeal to me, I still find it barbaric, but I promised Prim and she needs me. What will she do with a mother that is absent half the time? Taking care of my little sister has made me a mother before I even get a chance to have my own kids. Not that I want to. I grew up too fast while watching the Games on television and providing food for my family. I may be seventeen, but inside I am much, much older. Still, if I come out of this alive, I will not marry. It is out of the question. I could take Prim's place now, but I would not be able to do the same for my children. And how many children of Victors were already dead because they were chosen? We all know there is no accident in that. Some Reapings are set up, so the kids the Capitol wants to be tributes are chosen. I already mocked the Game Makers while shooting an arrow at them, so there would be a huge chance that my child…

I stop when I hear the cannon ball. A sign that the blood bath around Cornucopia must be over.

I am still shaking a little after what I have seen. People, no, not people, children (!) just slaughtering each other. That is the reality. The Capitol have turned them into blood thirsty animals.

I find water, check what I have in my backpack and go on, wander further into the forest.

I think this is my luck. Haymitch won the second Quarter Quell because of luck and I got the forest. But it also means I can't count on anything else. The rest is up to me. For now I don't have a bow, so I can't shoot anything, but I can set traps like Gale taught me. I hope I know enough because I was never as good at this as he was.

I succeed. I manage to catch a small game and I make myself dinner, then I climb on a tree, try to get some sleep.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

I am so glad that she did listen to me and did not fight. Although she had to go for that one backpack, I shake my head. I shouldn't expect a better behavior from her anyway, so I am happy she managed to get that and ran into the woods.

I also can't help but think that she is extremely lucky that the arena is a forest. Of course, there are tricks, there always are, so I hope she will not fall for them.

There was a bow at the Cornucopia as I suspected there would be. Especially for her. But I am glad she did not go for it. She would be dead now if she did because the Careers took over immediately.

The real horror starts the next morning. I liked what Katniss did at her evaluation because it made her stand out of the crowd, that was a plus, but I was also afraid that the Game makers might have their revenge on her in the arena. I was not wrong. She only added fuel to the flames when she presented herself as the girl on fire.

Now they gave her that fire.

I can only stand in the square, in front of the huge screen like dozens of Capitol citizens, and watch her running. The forest is on fire and it is spreading fast. Way too fast. I can tell that its power is altered. They want to kill Katniss.

Unless she can outrun it.

_Katniss, come on, please, you can do it, _I unconsciously think, trying to send her my support, some of my own strength. I know she can't hear me or feel it, but I do it nevertheless. She can't just die like this, it is too ironic. It's fighting fire with fire.

I release a breath I do not know I was holding as she manages to avoid being burn alive. She is safe for now, but… she is injured. And a burned injury in such an environment is not a good thing.

I watch her going straight to the river and then meeting a group of Careers.

Then I see my other tribute, Peeta, with them. Is he so stupid or so smart? I think. Does he really want Katniss dead or he is protecting her? Could he fool me when I was couching him?

Maybe not. Katniss is safely on a top of a tree now and the tributes can't get so high. Peeta is the one to suggest she will have to come down eventually, so it is better to wait, to trap her.

Maybe he is working to save her after all.

I do not worry now about them trying to kill my sweetheart, what worries and pains me is the injury that clearly hurts. I see her tearing her trouser leg and the wound is really bad. I can tell that if she doesn't get a medicine, she will be dead soon because of the infection. Or dead because she will get too weak to defend herself. I do not know which option is worst.

And I can't help her. I can just watch her face distorted in the great amount of pain she must be feeling now.

Wait… how can I forget that I _can _actually help her?

I get up and leave without a second glance. I will save her. I need to.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

When the night falls I am so numb I barely can feel the agonizing burning sensation in my leg. I know it is not good. I should feel pain, if I stop then…

I hear something and when I turn my head I see a small balloon with a metal box attached to it. It lands just a few feet from me, but I still need to exert myself to get to it. I feel the pain again, burning its way through my whole leg and I can't stand it anymore. The night insects don't help much.

I get to the package and I see a note.

_Apply generously and stay alive_

_H_

I almost smile. Haymitch has sent me a medicine and I could kiss him for it if he was here with me.

After all, it is his job to care about his tributes. Only I realize that even the smallest thing costs an enormous amount of money and requires sponsors. If Haymitch got this for me, he must have be talking to a lot of people, maybe even for hours, from the very moment I got burnt.

I look up, not really sure where the camera is, but I know they see everything anyway.

"Thank you, Haymitch," I say out loud and I feel my eyes getting teary. I lower my head. The pain is too much to take.

I come back to my previous position and apply the ointment generously as I was told.

The pain stops immediately and I am washed with a great relief. I tie myself up to a branch and finally, I fall asleep.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

"You're so much welcomed, sweetheart," I whisper while watching her applying the ointment. Not every tribute would thank for it. Some would just take it and consume or, in this case, use without saying anything, just like it was completely normal they deserved it.

Katniss is different. She spent her whole life trying to help her family and the people in the Hob, I know because I heard stories. She knows what it cost me to send that to her, but I would still do that even if I had to starve.

I just want her to survive.

What will I do if she doesn't come home? How will I come back to my old life?

I prefer not to think of it as there is no such a possibility. If it was I would drink myself to death and finally get some peace.

* * *

I am curious and terrified in the same time of what she will do to escape the tributes that surrendered her.

Katniss surprises me with her genius, but I never questioned that she would.

She spots trackerjackers' nest and drops it on the tributes. That gives her time to escape, but I hiss under my breath when I see some stinging her.

She survives, but I know that now she will have hallucinations and that is never a good thing.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

Rue is dead and I can't take it anymore. It's like watching Prim die because they were so alike, not in the way they look but in their innocence and behavior. I know Rue never really had a real chance, but I was ready to give it to her. I was ready to break my promise to my little sister to save the girl that reminded me of Prim.

And now she was dead. And I killed someone. It wasn't in a fight, it wasn't even because he attacked me. He killed Rue, so I needed to have my revenge.

I feel awful about it and I cry as I put flowers around my little friend. I'd known her for such little time but I will always remember her. If I have to fight for someone now, I will fight for her. I know she would want me to win.

I wipe my tears from my face and stand up. This time I manage to locate a camera. It is obvious for me that everyone is watching me now, so I put my thumb over my little finger and keep the rest straight. I kiss my hand and raise it toward the camera. A sign for the people who just lost Rue. A final goodbye.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

A time when I can't watch the screen comes. And it is not because Katniss is in mortal danger or dying.

It is because she finds Peeta and everyone in Capitol start rooting for those two. Any possible romance is doomed from the start, but they do not care. It makes a better television.

I don't know what is it about that girl that attacks me so much and when it happened that I started liking her that way. In the train? When she almost ran a knife through my hand? When I saw her strong character? When I noticed she wasn't to be controlled? That she could fight for herself without any help?

But she did need my help. I sent her that medicine.

Only it wasn't a sign of affection. She was in trouble. I helped her. That was all.

And even though I watch her on the screen every day and every minute, even though I can't stop thinking of her and dreaming of welcoming her home… she doesn't see me, she doesn't get to know me.

How do I even know that the kiss she has just given Peeta was real? Maybe she finally listens to me and plays along? And is she does, why am I angry at her? I discover that I am angry with her all the time. If she does not do what I want, I get mad. If she does, just like now with kissing Peeta, I am mad too and strangely hurt.

I need to wake up. I need to stop.

But I can't.

The most probable situation is that they will both be dead soon and everything that has been awaken inside of me by that girl, will die forever too.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I kiss him and I feel nothing. I don't know if Peeta's feelings for me are real or not. I hope not because in that case I am just using this poor boy.

I am glad that I don't feel it. Maybe it sounds cruel or cold but I am. If I loved anyone, I would be hurt. I know I will never be able to get married because of the Games. I never want to see my children being reaped for the arena. I wouldn't survive that.

So I am alone and I will always be alone. There are worse fates.

At least I had thought that way before I became a tribute.

Nothing worst could happen to me considering the life I have led. Well, maybe Prim being sent to the arena, but I took care of that, didn't I?

Now I just stay awake, so Peeta can get some sleep. His leg is in a really bad shape. Why Haymitch didn't do anything? And then it hits me. Haymitch bet on me too.

I want to run, to hide, to survive till the end of the games, but I can't leave Peeta here. It has nothing to do with romance, I just don't feel right doing so. He doesn't deserve it. He is weak on the contrary to me. He still hasn't killed anyone and is not planning on. I admire him for that. And I owe this to the audience, the people in the Capitol that are watching us right now, thinking about our alleged romance; and also the people in District 12. What would they think of me if I left Peeta to die?

All of it still doesn't change the fact that my thoughts are dark. I am ashamed of them but can't help it.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

The more I watch the more I suspect that it is all real.

Is Katniss so stupid to let herself fall in love in the arena? Surely she must know only one comes out.

And then I just stand there in front of the screen, completely dumbfounded.

Seventy four years of Hunger Games and not even once something like that happened.

I see Katniss and Peeta, the last two standing, holding a handful of poisonous berries, ready to eat it and drop dead rather than to kill each other.

_Why don't you just kill him, sweetheart?! _I think, but I know that if she did, she wouldn't be the girl I know. The girl I obviously love.

I and that poor boy, Peeta, have something in common after all. She has us both entwined around her little finger.

The gong sounds just when they are ready to kill themselves and… I hear something improbable, unrealistic, "Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the victors of the seventy four annual Hunger Games."

And then it hits me. I am no longer a pariah. No one will look at me with hate when I come home. Katniss has changed everything. Absolutely _everything_. She has just made me a hero. She has made me the mentor who will come home with both his tributes alive.

But then something else hits me too.

_She has just defied the Capitol._

I can't imagine the consequences and I almost shiver as I suddenly feel cold. When I won all those years ago the Game makers hated me for using their own force field to my advantage. I didn't win because I was that good, I won because I was lucky. I used their own security system to advantage. I used _them_.

And now Katniss defied them in front of the whole world.

I need to act once again and I need to do it fast.

I run to meet her.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN1 **Good news is that I came home early today, hence the update. Bad news is that I will not be able to write anything in Wednesday and Thursday.

**2 **I liked the actor who played Haymitch recently, Woody Harrelson, and I saw _Seven Pounds _movie. God, I cried at the opening scene. He played such a decent and good guy and he was blind and Will Smith insulted him so much… but it all ends well, so… : )

**3 **I need to make a video story for this fic, about Katniss and Haymitch's journey I present. I need to use footages from all different movies of Jennifer Lawrence and Woody Harrelson, but it will be worth it! Of course, I will not upload it sooner than at the end of this fic:P

Thank you for your comments and reviews!

And now, finally…

* * *

**Part 4**

_Haymitch POV_

I may run but I see her no sooner than it takes for the airborne to bring her and Peeta back to the Capitol. In the meantime, they are being taken care of, so when they finally emerge from the shuttle I see them as they never went to the arena in the first place.

My heart starts beating faster when I spot Katniss. She is alive and healthy now. All the bruises and exhaustion from the arena are gone. And she is so beautiful, I think. She wears a simple pants and a green blouse, her hair is up. She looks good in everything. Always. She was stunning even in the arena, although I tried not to think of it much back then because I had more important things on my mind, like keeping her alive.

When she sees me she fastens up and surprises me by just running into me, almost knocking me off my feet. Her hold on me is strong and I feel her shaking a little.

I put my arms around her tightly, trying to do my best to give her some comfort. She needs it and I know she isn't hugging me because it is me. She just needs some familiar face, a proof that she, indeed, made it alive.

Peeta stops awkwardly right in front of us, doesn't really know what to do with himself.

I let myself feel Katniss's warm body against mine for one more second before I let her go. I need to, don't I? I don't want her to get suspicious. I don't want her to know what is going on inside my head. I make a decision that she can never know. I need to put my feelings aside because they are wrong. The last thing I want to do is to scare her away or, what is more terrifying, disgust her. I want to be her friend, I just want to be there for her. She can't know that an old drunk actually feels something more toward her. She wouldn't like it. I know it. And I would lose her.

"I still can't believe it," she breaths out as we part and she stands now right next to Peeta. "How that happened? I can't believe I'm actually going home… I am… I am free."

"Katniss," I start, not sure if I should break it for her now, but I have no choice. If she goes out there and acts wrong, she will jeopardize everything. "We need to talk."

"What's wrong? We won, Haymitch," Peeta says.

"It doesn't end here. It never does," I tell them, watching the changes on their faces. "Did it ever occur to you that all the people who were watching you holding that berries thought that it was an act of rebellion against the Capitol?" I turn to the girl on fire.

She pales.

"But… but I couldn't just kill Peeta," she says quietly.

"I know, sweetheart," I say softy, "but it doesn't matter. From now on you two need to act like two people crazy in love."

"What?!" Katniss raises her voice. "Haymitch I did everything you asked me back there in the arena! I can't do it anymore!"

She is lucky she doesn't see the look on Peeta's face because she is looking at me now. The boy is devastated like his heart has just got broken. I can't blame him. Who wouldn't love that infuriating girl?

"You prefer to die?!" I raise my voice in anger too. "Do you?! Do you want your family to suffer?! Your mother? Prim? That friend of yours, Gale?"

"What does he have to do with it?" Katniss asks.

"If you reject Peeta now, they will think you're doing this for the other boy in your district. It's not good for television, sweetheart."

"But Gale and I are only friends! He's like a brother to me!"

I sigh and close my eyes.

"I am sorry that I need to tell you all of this now, but down there are cameras," I point the exit from the roof, "and they are waiting for you to see how much in love you two actually are. You have no choice but to pretend. For your own sake and for those you love."

"Fine. Can I go now?" Peeta asks, surprising me. I thought he wouldn't be ok with it as he clearly thought that what happened in the arena between him and Katniss was real.

"You can," I tell him, "but just remember, ok?"

"You can count on me. I can do this. It's her you should be worried about," Peeta says bitterly and heads for the door.

Katniss doesn't move, she just stares blankly into the horizon.

"Believe me, sweetheart, if it was up to me I wouldn't force you to this." Of course I wouldn't… I would… but I stop myself. I need to kill all those feelings that I have and think realistically here. "Think of your sister. You're doing it all for her. You survived, didn't you?" I place my hands on her shoulders.

"Yes, Haymitch. It was all for Prim." For a moment I see a faint shadow of a smile on her face. "And I want to see her."

"You will. You just need to get through the interview first."

"Help me?"

"Always."

"Can Snow really do something to me or my loved ones?" she asks when she is just about to go. I know she knows the truth, but she desperately looks for denial.

"This is serious, Katniss. You need to listen to me again. Yes, he can and he will."

"Alright, then. I'll do it."

And she is gone.

It's not how I imagined our first meeting after the games, but this is the real world and it is not a place for illusions.

This is reality and I think I have even bigger problems now than I had a few hours ago.

* * *

I sit with the audience, watching Peeta and Katniss being interviewed on stage by Flinkman. They are both so happy and they really look in love. If they can fool me, I think they can fool the rest.

I know that Katniss is thinking of Prim, I just know it. And that helps her get through it all. Now it's just a matter of hours before she can see her little sister again.

* * *

When we are finally on the train and I see Peeta's face I feel sorry for the boy again. He played it along well, but he probably tried to believe during that interview that Katniss was really in love with him. Now the reality comes back to him and he realizes how lonely he really is. Especially when Katniss is gone as she disappeared into her compartment the moment we walked into the train.

_Right there with you, buddy, _I think when Peeta apologizes and also goes to his own compartment. Only I have more experience than he does, I loved once, I hurt, I have been through so much… Now I seem to deal better with a broken heart than the boy who experiences it for the first time.

I reach for the bottle.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I come back to a main room and find Haymitch drinking.

"Are you serious?!" I snap at him. "You think you did your job and now you can just start drinking again?! Is this supposed to be some kind of an award for you?!"

"Sweetheart, I kept you alive, didn't I?" he answers me surly. "Now I can get some rest."

"By drinking yourself to dead?! Haymitch, you know well that one of those days you might kill yourself!" I don't know why I'm so mad at him. Maybe because I thought we bonded and I gained one more friend to the small group of people close to me. Haymitch is just like me and I don't want to lose him. He was in the games too and he won. He was through hell and he is still standing. Well, the alcohol probably helps him through it and I just now begin to understand after I have come out of there alive and traumatized too. Only he wasn't drinking during my training or the games. Why starting all over again now?

"And tell me, sweetheart, who will even care if I kill myself?" he asks, his blue eyes piercing into mine and I start to feel ill at ease. Why?

"I will," I say honestly. "Haymitch, don't you understand? We are the same. Peeta will never get me. He is innocent, even after the Games, he is," I repeat and sit down by the table. "He didn't kill anyone, at least he wouldn't do that with cold blood like I did."

"Rue died and you needed to do something about it," Haymitch comes up with an explanation for my behavior immediately.

"Maysille died too and you survived," I say, remembering that little piece of information he gave me about his games.

Haymitch closes his eyes and puts the bottle on the table.

"What do you want from me?" he asks me.

"I need you to survive through this because I have no one else to turn to. You are the only person I know that have been through exactly what I have," I repeat.

"And I drink to forget. Is this what you want to become, Katniss?"

"No, but I think we can help each other."

"Fine," he says and heaves himself up from his chair, then he sweeps the bottle back and turns to leave. "But tonight I need a drink. It's just too much."

I don't ask why is that exactly. I have a feeling he wouldn't be honest with me anyway.

* * *

I come home, welcomed by my family and Gabe who suddenly becomes my cousin. I don't mind really, as long as he is a part of my life I am happy. I understand the Capitol would be too suspicious if my mother told them Gale was just a friend.

I am back and I have everyone I need to complete my family. I count Haymitch as a part of it too as something clearly pushes me in his direction. I know we need each other and I still think Peeta will never understand me. Not that I can actually talk to Peeta. We live in the same village, the Victors' Village, but we barely see each other. He prefers to keep a distance from me and I can't blame him for that. I did what I had to to save myself and him and I know he knows it. He just can't help his feelings. If only I could love him back… but I don't even want to try. I will never marry. I will never have children. Being in the Games was traumatizing enough and I refuse to watch my kids in the arena.

I talk to Haymitch pretty regularly although I have the impression that he keeps a strange distance from me. I don't know why. Maybe he doesn't want to get attached to his tribute, but I will not die now, will I? Men supposed to be simple and I think I don't understand them at all. And he still drinks, although not as much as he used to, so it is a good think, I guess.

What I am dreading now is the upcoming Victory Tour. I so don't want to go. I don't want to visit the Districts and watch the hatred on the faces of all those families that lost their children. I don't want to come back to the Capitol. I don't want to see president Snow. I don't want to pretend I am in love with Peeta.

But I have to.

At least Haymitch will be with me.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN2: **Good for you, extremely bad for me. I had a small accident in my own house today, so I need to stay in and lie in bed. I am fine, nothing to be worry about. I just tend to exert myself too much. It means I will have enough time to write an update every day till Monday. Happy? Well, looking at the bright side, at least I can write now the things I have waited for!

**AN 2: **I am truly sorry for occasional spelling or grammar mistakes. You need to know that English is not my first language. I write my own fiction in my language, so obviously I don't make mistakes there. Sorry, I will do my best. Bt you have to excuse me sometimes. Try to put yourself in my position while studying a foreign language and writing in it. It's sooo hard, right? That is just in answer to one of guest's reviews. I will remember the coaching word though!

**AN 3: mariuslover59: **Thank you! I know Katniss is just like Haymitch! Peeta... he never really gets her and I think that what's a real relationship should be about, understanding each other. No disrespect to Susan Collins, but that pairing seems off me to.

I was such a Smallville fan that I was writing and writing about Lex and couldn't get enough and now… I just couldn't help it. I am completely into the Haymitch/Katniss pair and when I reread the books now it's not such a fun anymore: (

* * *

**Part 05**

_Katniss POV_

I am on the damn train, wishing I was back in my district, wishing I could come back to the woods and just stay there. I so would like to run away and never come back. Only I can't. I need to be here, on the train. I need to do my best to calm the rest of the districts. President Snow's visit wasn't pleasant and I am not back to normal just yet. He threatened everyone I know and love and I have no choice to but to go on the tour, smile to the cameras and pretend to be in love with Peeta.

Just perfect, isn't it?

There is one more thing that bothers me. Haymitch. Ever since we found ourselves together on this train I can swear he is avoiding me for some reason.

I want to ask him why is that. He probably hates going back to the Capitol, again. But one can think he's gotten used to it by now. I just want to turn to him when I see something out of the train window. There is a sentence written on a brick wall, _The odds are __never __in your favor._

I feel a shiver running down my spine. So that was what president Snow was talking about. The uprising, the unsettlement in the districts.

* * *

I don't even realize I am doing it but I throw myself at the Peacekeepers that has just captured the old man who whistled Rue's melody and raised his hand toward me in a well known gesture.

What have I done? I just needed to speak that exact time. All those other I never knew what to say and kept quiet and I needed to choose now to do this? To speak to the families of the fallen tributes? I can see Snow's face in my mind and the expression on it isn't pleasant.

Then I just make it worse and the Peacekeepers stop me, prevent me from getting to the man to help him. I am more powerless than ever. I can just stay and watch.

Peeta puts his hands on my shoulders from the back and tries to take me to the building. I don't want to go. I need to help that man. He is somebody's father, husband, brother or maybe even a grandfather.

"Katniss! Let's go!" Peeta's voice is angry with me, persistent . "Come on!"

He manages to drag me back while using more strength and before the door closes after us I see a Peacekeeper raising a gun and then I hear a shot.

"No!" I scream, terrified and so furious that my vision goes white. "NOOO! They just… they just…"

"Katniss! Sweetheart, Katniss, stop!" Haymitch materializes before me and Peeta lets go of me, so my mentor can take care of me now. "Katniss, you need to stop! Think of Prim! Think of your family. You don't want to put them in danger, do you?" He holds his hand on my arms. His blue eyes are fixed on mine and I am mesmerized. "Sweetheart?" he asks again, this time a little hesitantly. "Sweetheart, are you alright?"

I must seem like I was in a shock or just turn into a wooden statue. Everything about Haymitch calms me down and brings me back. He understands what I feel and he wants the best for me. He knows there is nothing we can do without getting ourselves killed, so he tries to make me realize that again.

"I'm fine," I say in a strangely detached voice. My heart beats way too fast.

"Good." He lets go off me and suddenly, I realize I really like him calling me sweetheart. When he started doing that I thought he was teasing or mocking me, but now I feel it's more like an affectionate nickname. I don't mind it at all. Actually, I like it. He is the only one that calls me that way and yet, he manages to not undermine my own strength by doing so. "Come with me, both of you," Haymitch says and pulls us upstairs to the attic where we apparently can talk freely.

He tells us how serious the situation really is and that I'm not really doing a good job on faking my affection for Peeta. We are supposed to be madly in love, otherwise, they will not believe us. I don't know what is it, but some strange shadow passes through Haymitch's face when he tells me that. Another puzzle piece I have no idea what to do with.

Then I say that maybe Peeta should just propose to me because how else can we convince people? Peeta says it's fine, but I know he wish it happened in different circumstances, the kind in which I would love him back. Haymitch's expression remains ambiguous to me but he agrees that it is a good idea.

* * *

When we are back on the train and I feel normal again. Of course the image of that poor man dying for supporting me will haunt me to the rest of my lives as any of the tributes that I killed.

I go to find Haymitch. It is about time for a serious conversation. I know he likes to drink, but this kind of behavior is not the one I know well. This is different.

I knock to his compartment and I hear him inviting me inside.

He sits by the small table by the window, a fresh bottle of alcohol in his hand.

"Hey, sweetheart," he says and drinks.

"Haymitch, you need to stop this!" I snap at him suddenly. I don't know why it bothers me so much now when it didn't few months back, but I don't want him to hurt himself. I need him alive. I need him in my life. And the alcohol will only take him away.

"Everyone dies sometimes, sweetheart," he says and wants to drink again.

I snatch the bottle from him and it shatters on the floor.

He stands up and looks at me. What does this look mean? I think. Maybe I already know, but I'm not letting the truth into my mind just yet.

"Why do you care so much?" he asks me and his voice is suddenly hoarse.

"How can I not?" I ask him back, again hypnotized by the look in his blue eyes.

And then he suddenly leans forward and I feel his lips on mine.

So I did not imagine it. He really does… he really does have feelings for me, I think and then I realize something else. Can I actually have them too?

I like that he kisses me. It's not like Peeta's kisses that always feel awkward and are for the cameras. This is real. It's just like fire, starting right there, beneath the surface, ready to engulf us.

Haymitch jerks away from me, stumbling as he hits the table that is behind him. He manages to avoid falling down and he looks at me in shock now.

I don't let myself second-guessing it. I grab his face and this time I kiss him. Because I want to. Because I seemed to be waiting for it without even knowing it.

He is surprised by my actions but does not stop me, on the contrary, his lips are moving with mine and he pulls me closer to him, his hand on the middle of my back.

The feeling of brotherly friendship that was always there with Gale is gone and I am sure now that kissing Peeta was definitely not right. There was no fireworks. I feel them now. And it's so overwhelming.

It is surprising to me that what I should look for in love I find in Haymitch. Only the time isn't right. I and Peeta are still being called the star crossed lovers and now I suggested marrying him… And Haymitch… I must have hurt him so badly when I said that earlier in District 11.

And now there is no turning back from it.

Haymitch seems to be waking up and he pulls away again, turning his back on me and supporting himself on the tale with his hands.

"Sweetheart…" he says and stops. I feel it's just an habit that he calls me that again and once he does he is hurt. "I am too old for you," he informs me in such a quiet tone it could be a whisper. "And you're so young," he adds and then walks right pass me, leaving the compartment.

I do not follow him. I have no strength to do that. I can just go back to my own place and think. Think so intensely.

Apparently, I have very real feelings toward Haymitch, my mentor. And it is wrong on so many levels. Everything is wrong. I do not care about the age thing as obviously I am not a typical eighteen year old, but how can we ever be happy in this world? Is it even worth trying?


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: mariuslover59**: Thank you so much! I am really happy I get so many positive reviews. I usually answer through reply, but if someone is not logged then I answer here. I know that it was sad, but Haymitch has his own moral code or at least he thinks realistically. He doesn't think he deserves happiness either. But I think this chapter you will love!

**To the guests**: Thank you for your concern about my health. I am much, much better and you only make me feel great when I read your reviews!

* * *

**Part 6**

_Haymitch POV_

I need to go. I need to leave or, god help me, I will do something I may regret. So I leave Katniss and go to the very end of the train when I can be alone. She doesn't follow me and it is a relief.

I am still in slight shock. I can't believe she actually kissed me! Not only kissed me back, but she was the one to initiate the second kiss and… I could feel how much she wanted it. I was lost there for a moment, ready to forget about everything and just give in.

Then it hit me.

There is no future for us. We are trapped forever. What more, she will probably be soon trapped in a loveless marriage to Peeta and I will be forced to watch, to witness it. I will never be happy. I will always be scarred on the inside and outside. I will always be broken.

Maybe none of us really deserves true happiness. What it really means to be truly happy? I ask myself. I am a murderer, maybe I tried hard not to kill many people, but still… I am a murderer. There was no other way out of the arena and I wanted to live.

Katniss is one too while Peeta is the one that remains pure, the one that can live on without the heavy burden I and the girl are carrying.

Naturally, it brings me to her even closer, but it doesn't mean something more can happen between us. If someone was to find out… I am scared to even think what would happen to Katniss's family.

* * *

It's three AM when I hear her screaming.

We haven't really talked since that memorable night and then in the morning she and Peeta had to fulfill their duties when we stopped in District 10. This time they did everything as they were told, reading from the cards Effie provided and acting out for president Snow.

I couldn't watch. I didn't want to see them holding hands and pretend to be so happy. I also couldn't and still can't stop thinking about the way she kissed me. It was such a needy and passionate kiss. She wanted it so badly and I…

Now I hear her screaming.

I can't stand her being in pain and I know exactly why she is so loud. She must have been having nightmares for some time now. Last night when she came to me I saw how tired she looked. This morning it got even worse. Did she even sleep at all?

Now I have the answer that she didn't and when she did finally fall asleep she woke up screaming because I am sure she was reliving everything that happened to her in the arena. I understand that because I am still going through it and it never seems to end. There are nights when I feel my stomach being cut, my guts spilling out and I am terrified, I think I am going to die soon. Then I wake up covered in sweat and frantically trace my fingers along the scar on my belly. It is still there and nothing is wrong. There is no blood, I am fine. The process repeats pretty often, unless I am drunk. The alcohol was the only thing that kept me sane and free of nightmares. Now she took that away from me, giving me a choice of eventually dying from the alcohol poisoning or being by her side. Only now being by her side means watching her with Peeta.

Why everything has to be so complicated?

Then something else strikes me. Had she been having nightmares back in the District 12? When I was usually passed out and dead to the world? Was there someone to calm her down? Someone to be there for her?

I go out of my room. There is no question in what I should do now. I can't stand her suffering.

I step into the narrow corridor and look for her compartment.

Peeta sticks his head out from his.

"Go to sleep. I'll take care of this," I tell him roughly. I don't want him to be there for her now. I need to be the one.

"Alright," Peeta just murmurs and closes the door back.

"Katniss?" I walk into her compartment without knocking and I see her throwing in bed. She is still sleeping, but also still screaming.

"No! Rue, no!" I hear her and recognize the nightmare she is having now.

"Katniss, sweetheart!" I slightly raise my voice to wake her up and get to her, shaking her body slightly. "Katniss?"

She finally opens her eyes widely like she was in shock and looks at me.

"Katniss, it's me, sweetheart. Look at me. Everything is fine. You are ok. You're safe with me."

"Haymitch…" she whispers my name like she just now realized what happened. Then she throws her arms around my neck, holding for dear life. "I was so scared…"

"I know, sweetheart, I know," I say my soothing words and hug her back. She needs me and I know I will not be able to just leave her like that now. She is still shaken.

Her hold on me doesn't loose up and I hear her fastened breath.

"Sweetheart?" I say after another few seconds. "Sweetheart, are you alright?"

She finally lets go, but her hand immediately takes mine. "Don't go! Stay, please," she says urgently.

"I will. Of course I will, sweetheart," I whisper and I feel her pulling me into her bed. I am not sure it is such a good idea but I have no choice in the matter."

I lie down and she snuggles up to me, her head on my chest, just where my heart is. Maybe it calms her down. Or maybe it's those soothing words I still speak to her and my hand stroking her back.

"Are you having them every night?" I finally ask when I feel she is calm enough.

She doesn't answer, but I feel her hold on me tightens.

"I do too," I admit. "I do too."

"What is it usually for you? I mean, what do you dream about?" she asks.

I sigh heavily. I am not sure she will be ok with me telling her that. She still doesn't know everything about how I won. She knows I was injured but…

"That's a story for another time. Take some sleep now, will you, sweetheart?"

"Don't leave me."

"I won't. I promise."

I don't even realize when I fall asleep myself.

* * *

When I wake up in the morning I am surprised to discover I didn't have any nightmares. I didn't drink anything last night, so naturally, they should come. Only they didn't.

I think it's all Katniss. Her being so close stripped me off my worst fears coming back to me in sleep.

"Haymitch, we need to talk," I hear her say when I get out of her bed.

I can feel her eyes fixed on mine but I can't look at her now. I know I will lose all my control if I do. Besides, I need to remember that Effie and Peeta are out there, eating breakfast and they will be too suspicious if neither me or Katniss shows up soon.

"Haymitch," she repeats my name, this time she is getting angry, I can tell.

"You have another district to cover today, sweetheart," I just say and leave her room.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

What a stubborn idiot! I think as I lay in my bed in the dark. He might have promised he would stay last night, but apparently, he would do no more.

I don't want to fall sleep. Who knows what I will dream about this time. Last night it was Rue what was probably an aftermath of visiting her district. Tonight it may be the knife slicing my forehead and I may think I am dying. It can be the explosion I caused and nearly died. It can be the mutts that surrendered me and Peeta at the end…

I don't want to think about it, but the closer I am getting to the Capitol the more terrifying and vivid those dreams are becoming. I so want to go back home.

It is nearly one o'clock in the night when I hear somebody else screaming too.

I recognize the voice. I discover that I care about him so much now that I would recognize it anywhere.

This time Haymitch is the one to have nightmares. He doesn't call any particular person like I did with Rue last night. He just moans like he was in pain.

I get up. We still need to talk and he may keep avoiding me, but eventually, I will make him listen. It is surprising how obvious my affection for him is now. I have been so blind for such a long time, worrying about everything back at home, taking care of my family once I came back, that I did not see it coming. But it did. And I am sure now I have feelings for Haymitch. No, it is something much more. I want to just be with him. Forever. Does it make any sense? What kind of forever we may actually face? Especially with my impending engagement to Peeta.

I walk out of my room and run to Haymitch.

"Can't he keep it down?!" Effie is awake, clearly agitated. "Just give him a bottle, so he would shut up, Katniss, will you? I need my beauty sleep!" After having that, she disappears in her compartment again.

I am mad. So mad at her. I want to go to her and shatter that bottle on her head or something. How can she be so egoistic? Can't she see that Haymitch is suffering? He's been suffering for more than twenty years now!

I decide he needs me more than I need to tell Effie off, so I walk into his compartment and close the door behind me.

Is it my fault? I broke his bottle last night. Is there any more on this train? Were the providers of food and beverages ready for Haymitch and his unusual appetite for alcohol? I think it's rather probable that it is my fault because I told him to stop.

Somehow I prefer him drunk than in pain like this, but the first option can kill him.

"Haymitch!" I yell. "Haymitch, wake up!" I come closer to his bed.

His hand are on his belly, holding on it frantically and I see sweat shining on his forehead.

I go to him and shake him awake. Then I need to jump away because I know he always sleeps with a knife.

I am not wrong. I know he would never consciously hurt me, but a person can't control oneself when waking up from something so traumatic.

He grabs the knife, but then I see him lifting his shirt and looking at his belly.

"Haymitch?" I ask, not really sure if he realizes I am in the room.

A long scar is bare to my eyes now and I wonder what kind of an injury he suffered from in the arena.

When he makes sure he isn't hurt anymore he finally looks at me.

"Haymitch, it's ok. It's just me. You're safe." It is ironic how our roles suddenly change.

"Sweetheart," he just says and I climb to his bed without his permission.

"I can't sleep alone," I say, "and you obviously can't too."

He still is a little disoriented, but then I can say his mind is sharp again.

"Sweetheart, we shouldn't…"

"Shhhh…" I hush him and kiss him, shifting myself, so I am straddling him now.

He can't help but kiss me back, teasing my mouth with his tongue until I open it and let him in.

Then he pulls away again, puts his forehead to mine and closes his eyes while sighing.

"Sweetheart…" he starts again.

"I was never young, Haymitch," I say. "Age doesn't matter in this world. It's irrelevant. Everyone that comes out from that arena is ancient."

We both know I am right. Maybe Peeta is the exception, but I was the one to keep him alive. He lives thanks to me and I was the one to do the dirty work. I am sure he has nightmares about the arena too, but I know it's not as bad for him. For starters, I never hear him scream at night.

"Katniss, I'm just not sure…" Haymitch says.

"Why don't you leave that decision to me?" I ask him, remaining on my position. Our faces are so close they almost touch as we look into each other's eyes.

"I just don't think it will work when…"

"…when I'm supposed to marry Peeta? But it's only for the cameras," I say. "The Capitol don't see what I'm doing in my own house, Haymitch."

"Yet year after year you will be forced to come back as a mentor and then you will have to be in love with him. Always."

"It doesn't matter. You know it's just for show. It's to keep us alive. My heart really belongs to…"

"Katniss…" he interrupts me, but I don't let him.

"…to you," I say anyway.

"Then we're doomed."

"No, we're not. After everything we've been through I think we deserve some kind of happiness. Even if we have to hide it. Screw the rest of the world. I want you, Haymitch."

He clearly has nothing else to say. I think I have convinced him because he suddenly grabs me and kisses me with such a force and passion that I don't even remember my own name.

I don't remember the arena and the Hunger Games either. He is my salvation and I am his too.

We kiss hard, our tongues meet and dance together. My body is slowly being engulfed by the fire of desire and I start to graze myself against Haymitch as I'm still straddling him.

I hear something incoherent coming from his mouth and he kisses my throat, his hands wandering under my shirt and rest on my breast.

I feel him hardening against me and it's a completely new feeling. In the same time I feel myself reacting to him and I want nothing more than for him to take me.

But Haymitch pulls away, his hands drop from me and he leans back on his pillow.

"Hey, I thought we established that we want to be together," I huff.

"It's not that Katniss," he says, breathing heavily, clearly trying to control his body's natural responses. "You don't want any kids, sweetheart, so we need to stop when we still can."

"Oh," I utter and I can't believe I am so stupid as not to think of it. "Then it means we never…" I stop on sudden realization.

"Oh, no, no, it's not like this, sweetheart," he says and gently rubs my arms. "We can. Of course, but only if you want to."

"You just saw how much I want to," I tell him. "How much I want _you_."

"I want you too, but we need protection. I can get some in the Capitol. We just need to get there."

I never really thought of it, so I ask, "What kind of protection? How does it work?"

I know it exists, but I never found out how it works. People in my district are too poor to afford enough food, not to mention birth control. And if the Capitol allow them some, then I am sure there would be no kids and no Games.

"It's a shot you get and it lasts for a year," Haymitch explains.

"Oh, alright. Then I want one."

"Patience," he tells me and suddenly, he laughs.

I love this sound. He is happy so rarely that it pains me. Maybe I will be able to give him the happiness he needs?

"You will have to wait another nine days until we get there."

"I can wait, but I will not leave," I say and go off of him. I lay down in the same position I did with him before.

He puts his arm around me and I listen to his heartbeat again. This time it's racing and it slows down only after about ten minutes, then I finally feel his body relaxing.

"I can't believe we're doing this," he says and strokes my hair.

"Well, maybe this will make it sunk in," I say and raise myself to kiss him. "Tell me, since when you feel this way?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe from the first time I saw you… oh, wait, no, that was on the arena… Then maybe from the moment you almost ran a knife through my hand."

I laugh at the memory of it.

"I knew there was a spark in you, but I never thought you would get interested in me this way," he admits.

"It just happened, I guess," I say. "I grew to it and once I realized it… there was no alternative."

We lay in silence for another while when I finally dare to ask, "Can you tell me what happened to you? I mean… that scar on your stomach…"

"I'm not sure you want to hear this, Katniss."

"Haymitch, I don't mind it, really. I've seen worse," I tell him because I think he doesn't want to disgust me or something.

Then he speaks, "Only two of us were left and she cut me… she cut me open, sweetheart and I… I thought I was dying. I probably was, but when she was trying to finish me up she threw an axe at me. I collapsed in the same time, holding my intestines with my hands or it would just spill…" I feel his body tensing again and I place a kiss on his neck to show him my support, my love, my understanding. "We were at the end of the arena and there was a force field. When I collapsed the axe bounced from it, killing her in instant. I still remember how it sunk into her skull. Then they took me and patched me up. They needed their victor after all."

"I'm sorry, Haymitch," I tell him honestly and my hand slid under his shirt to touch the scar. "I love you," slips from my mouth.

"I love you too, sweetheart," he says it back and now we are ready to fall asleep while finally settling everything.


	7. Chapter 7

**Part 7**

_Haymitch POV_

I wake up and I realize it's the very last stop. We are in the Capitol.

Katniss is sleeping by my side as always and this time I am spooning her. I still can't believe we are together. How did it even happen? I ponder. She wants this. She chose this. Chose me.

Since the moment we established our relationship and started spending the nights together, we have no nightmares. It is really remarkable as one person can change your whole life.

Right now there is even more danger ahead of us, but I think if only we are careful, we can deal with it. We can keep our relationship a secret from president Snow and we can live our lives the best we can. We will never be safe but what kind of a life would it be if we denied what we feel? After everything we were forced to do and everything we have been through, I think we deserve this little piece of heaven. Katniss is my heaven, I know it. And every single moment with her is precious to me. Even if we can't get any closer right now, I am still perfectly happy. I don't need any alcohol, I have much better cure right here, in my arms. And it does no harm to my health.

I feel her now shifting in bed and finally, she opens her eyes.

"Haymitch," is the very first thing she says and I feel so loved, so special. I am still surprised that she returns my feelings.

"Sweetheart," I answer and place a gentle kiss on her hair. "We're in the Capitol," I inform her a moment later and I watch the change in her expression. She doesn't like that. She dreads it and I can understand that. After all, I dread it too. I dread for her life and for something else… Peeta will have to propose to her on the stage soon and I will be forced to watch. "Good news is that in two days we will be able to get back home and be together. Bad news is that the next night we will have to spend in the Capitol and I won't be able to snick out to you."

She frowns but then she lightens up again. "At least I'll finally get to talk to Cinna and get that shot."

We decided that it would be better for Katniss to ask herself. Me doing it for her would be too suspicious and I don't have such a connections for it to go unnoticed.

"Yeah," she murmurs under her breath, not really happy, "and then he will think I need it to be with my fiancé," she speaks the last word in such a repulsive way I want to laugh. She makes me feel better every time she proves to me that she doesn't want to be with Peeta, that the only man she truly wants to be with is me.

Is it a dream? Am I still dreaming?

"So we'd better make this morning worth it," she says and kisses me.

We can't go very far, but still, I like her by my side, her warm body next to mine, her lips kissing mine. I am not greedy, I don't ask for more. But I will get more and I still wonder how this girl fell for me. It must have been the similarities between us that brought us closer, but even this can't develop real passion. She is a miracle. She has always been a miracle. Since the very moment she defied the Capitol.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

So we do it.

I mean, Peeta does it. He kneels in front of the whole audience in the Capitol and swear his eternal devotion to me. Flinkman is here, smiling and listening to us, commenting the situation.

_Yes _is all I can say and luckily for me, the audience just thinks that poor me is speechless with joy.

It is not the truth. It is far from the truth.

We sit with Peeta on a sofa right next to Flinkman's chair, we hold hands and smile to each other, pretend we love each other so much. Suddenly, I feel sorry for Peeta. It is not ideal for him and even if he hopes that one day I will be able to return his feelings, he doesn't know the whole truth. The truth that I will not be able to fall for him because I have already given my heart to someone else. Peeta is the one who is hurting here, not me.

Only then my eyes find Haymitch in the crowd. He is just sitting there, his face with no real expression on it, but I know he does his best to hide the feelings that should be there. No one can know that he is suffering now and it breaks my heart.

I try to tell him with my eyes that I love him. That Peeta doesn't mean anything to me and then I immediately feel guilty for destroying Peeta's life.

Nothing is ever simple those days. I thought once I won the Games I would be left alone. but no, I am still the prefabricated product of Snow.

I don't even want to look in the direction he is now because what if he sees something in my eyes that will proof him that it's all fake and nothing more?

When the interview is over I still have another day to spend in the Capitol. I already know I will spend a few hours with Cinna, so he will be able to take measures for my wedding dress. Then I will have to attend a banquet and finally, at midnight I will be able to come back to the train. Back to Haymitch. I hope he won't be drinking tonight, but I also know if he does, I can't held it against him. If I dreamt every day of my inside being spilled out…

Soon, I and Peeta are being led to our rooms and when we are left alone, I turn to him. "Peeta, I am truly sorry for everything," I say. I feel like I owe him that.

He looks at me and for a moment I wonder if he knows where I spent every single night on the train since District 10. If he does I can just prey he won't tell anyone.

"I never wanted things to turn up this way," I tell him honestly.

"It's alright, Katniss. You're just doing everything you can, so we and our families can stay alive. You always do it and I understand."

"I just hope we will be able to talk normally, Peeta, because ever since the arena…"

"We can talk," he says, "and I am alright, I really am, Katniss. Don't worry about me." He looks at me like he wanted to say something more, but he resigns and disappears into his room.

I just need to figure out a way to sleep without nightmares…

…but instead of sleeping, I just lay awake, thinking hard. I know what I have gotten myself into with Haymitch will have its consequences. I never asked for love, but it found me anyway. And he makes me happy. I can make him happy too. We don't have to have any kids. The only problem is that I have one more person to protect, one more thing to be careful about. I think I can manage it. I know I was dead inside when I came back home after winning and Haymitch was the one that put the life back into me. I can't turn my back on this and I am not even able to.

* * *

When I go to see Cinna the next day I am so exhausted that he frowns on seeing me.

"Have you even slept last night?" he asks the perfect question.

I don't answer. He can obviously see it on his own eyes, can't he?

Then he just shakes his head and gives me an energy drink,

"You have to take a nap before tonight," he warns me and when I shoot him a look he adds, "Alright, I will get you another one."

I am half way through my meeting with him and I don't hear a word he says. It's all about fringes and fabrics and some contest in which the people living in the Capitol will be able to vote for their favorite wedding dress.

Really? I think. People are dying of starvation in District 12 and they make a stupid wedding contest? And of course I don't have a choice, I have to wear whatever the Capitol chooses for me and I know it won't be my style. Well, my style would be just the simple wedding ceremony in my district, just a modest white dress, vows and baking toasts in the fireplace. And it would be Haymitch…

No, I correct myself, it would have been Haymitch since I can't marry him anymore.

"Katniss, are you alright? You look a little greenish," Cinna notices. "What's going on in your mind?"

I think I need to ask him eventually. If there's someone I can trust, it's Cinna.

So I say it, red all over from embarrassment.

To my astonishment, he laughs and claps his hands.

"Say no more, Katniss!" he exclaims. "I will fix it for you. I know how it is to be young and in love, but in the same time you must be afraid that your children will be sent to the arena."

So he thinks it's possible too?

"After all, Snow needs his revenge eventually, doesn't he?"

When Cinna disappears to get me the shot I wonder what kind of revenge Snow will concoct for me. Surely, he hasn't done it yet. I would have known…

* * *

"It's sick!" I am outraged. Sleep deprivation and all that I have seen so far make me feel this way. "They are people starving in 12 and here… here they just throw up, so they can eat more! It's despicable and…"

"Katniss, Katniss, calm down," Peeta says soothingly and puts his hand on my arms. "You need to be careful because they are all watching us tonight. Let's dance."

"Right, of course," I say, but it doesn't mean I'm less angry.

"It's not their fault, you know," Peeta keeps trying to make me feel better. "They were brought up that way. They don't know any other life."

Suddenly, he reminds me of what Haymitch once said to me. It is true. It's not those people's fault, just the authorities, but it doesn't make it any more dreadful.

"I just wish I could change the world," I say, "but the best I can do is to stay low, watching my own skin."

"You also watch after everyone you care about," he reminds me and I feel guilty again. He is too good for me, too good for the viciousness of this world. If anyone deserves a happy life, it's him, but I can't give it to him, so I don't say anything.

Then Plutarch Heavensbee, the new Gamemaker, asks me to dance. When it's quarter to midnight he shows me his watch and informs me that he has a secret meeting about the strategy of the next Hunger Games and I am not to tell that to anyone. Something flickers across his watch and I see a glimpse of a mockinjay, my token.

I don't understand why he shows me that. I see mockinjays everywhere in the Capitol and that does no shock me at all. People in here just like it because they idolize me, it's in other districts where it's dangerous, a symbol of rebellion.

"See you soon, Katniss," Plutarch just says and leaves.

Then Effie finds me and Peeta and it's time to come back to the train. Time to come home.

When we enter it I go straight to Haymitch. I don't know if someone sees me, but I don't care. I am too tired for that. And even if they do, they must have been thinking that I just need to talk to my mentor.

"Sweetheart, how did it go?" I hear him asking from his position on the bed. He is waiting for me!

"I hated every minute of it," I say, get off my dress and then get to his bed in my underwear.

He welcomes me into his arms and I finally feel right and save, even if it's just an illusion.

"Have you seen Snow?" he asks after he kisses me.

"Yeah," I say reluctantly. That is the very part I so don't want to remember. "He just shook his head. I know, it's bad."

Haymitch doesn't say anything to that and I am grateful. I don't know what Snow's plans are, but it's not in my power to do something about it anyway.

"I did get the shot though," I inform Haymitch when snuggling into him, "but I couldn't sleep last night, so I am so tired now…" I yawn.

"It's alright, sweetheart. We don't have to do anything and you know it. I'm tired too."

"Did you sleep?" I ask before I drift away.

"A little, but then I woke up with the usual nightmare and I couldn't sleep anymore."

He didn't drink and I am so grateful he listened to me and stopped destroying his health.

I raise my head and kiss the part of his body my lips meet, probably his neck, and then I fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Part 8**

_Katniss POV_

I'm finally home, I think when sitting in the kitchen with my mum and Prim. It's not much, even if now we're living in the Victors' Village, but it's a place I grew up in. I have good memories in here on the contrary to the Capitol and the train which are the reminders of terror and dying.

When we finish eating my welcome dinner I feel like something is missing. Of course, I realize immediately what it is and when Prim and my mum go to sleep I sneak out of the house.

I don't knock when I enter the one next to mine. Why would I? I think I'm more than welcome here. I take my shoes off and climb up the narrow staircase.

I've never actually been to his bedroom, but this house is an identical replica of all the houses in this village, so it's impossible to get lost.

I open the door quietly, wondering if he's sleeping.

"I thought you wouldn't come," I suddenly hear his voice coming from his bed.

"I can't believe you actually doubted me," I say, pretending to be offended. "It wasn't just a whim. I really want to be with you, Haymitch."

"I just thought once we came back you would realize how dangerous this relationship is to us and everyone around."

"I realized it even back in the train," I say and come closer to his bed. "I thought I could fight it, but…" my voice trails off. I know it's risky and I still remember my previous principles to never get involved with a man. But how can I follow them now when Haymitch is the only person who really makes me feel like I am alive?

I get into his bed and start kissing him immediately.

"Are you sure you're ready for it, sweetheart?" he asks when things get heated again, his voice husky. "I don't know if I will be able to stop myself this time."

"I am sure," I tell him and to prove it, I trace a path of kisses down his neck, then begin unbuttoning the shirt he sleeps in. His smooth chest is reveled to me and I kiss it too.

Suddenly, he flips us, so he is on top and my legs spread for him on their own accord. It comes completely natural to me like I really know what I'm doing.

I want to feel something else than the constant worry and fear for the people I love. I want to forget the nightmares. And I love this man so deeply that it overwhelms me.

Yes, I am more than ready for him. I want to show him how much I feel for him. I want to prove to him that he is not alone anymore, that there is somebody to care for him, that he has a family now.

He is kissing me again and I feel the fire igniting once more, only this time we don't stop, so it grows stronger and stronger and I can feel it on my breasts he is touching now as he has just taken off my shirt, I can also feel it between my legs. The latter more persistent, needy for some fraction.

I begin grazing against him once again and I feel his hardness.

Soon, I am naked under him, feeling him everywhere, his lips all over my body, his hands… and it's just too much. I am worked up too much and I feel like some release is needed. His touch doesn't satisfy me anymore, it makes me want more.

I reach to his pants, undo the button, open the fly.

He helps me to get it off him and then we are both naked, breathing hard, looking into each other's hazy eyes.

"I am sure," I tell him, putting my hand to his cheek and stroking it. "I really am. I want you. I love you." To prove it I take a hold on him and he moans as I stroke him gently.

Naked men stopped making any impression on me few months ago. My mum had more patients that winter than during any others. The one problem is that I have never really touched any of them, obviously. Well, I am doing it now.

"Sweetheart," he rasps and replaces my hands, so he can position himself and we can finally become one.

We didn't get married, I remind myself, but who cares? It's not like I can afford any decency those times. I just want to be with him. I just want to live in this very moment, even if it's only for a while.

Then I feel him and it is so good I am lost to oblivion, then it's getting harder as I feel slight pain, but Haymitch just kisses me and waits till the pain subsides.

Then he's all the way in, our bodies joined, our arms around each other, never wanting to let go.

"I love you so much," he says to me when he starts rocking into me. "You're my life, sweetheart."

"I love you too," I moan as I can't possibly not do that. I feel like I will explode any second now and it is a wonderful feeling.

I can feel him getting desperate because he fastens up. It only makes me come faster. I feel it building deep inside me and it's so alien and so right that I have no words. I can just moan occasionally and move my body with his.

Then it happens and my vision nearly whitens out when I reach my climax.

Our eyes meet again when he lets go and I feel him coming inside of me.

In that very moment I understand what it's really all about. I have witnessed young girls going to see old men in my district, much older than Haymitch was, for money because they had none to feed their family. I saw them getting pregnant from time to time and give painful births. I know even though some of them hated selling their bodies, they were some who enjoyed the act itself.

Because it is enjoyable, but I understand right now why people say to wait till you're in love. Love makes everything better. Love makes it deeper and meaningful.

My heart is so full of love right now that I feel it could burst any second. And it aches me. It aches me that I have to love Haymitch out of all others in such times. Do we really have a future? Do we really have a real chance at this?

For all I know, we are doomed to hide it forever.

For now I am happy and I fall asleep in his loving arms. I feel that he will never let me go on his own volition and that should be enough for me.

I remembere something I heard a long time ago: Love is wanting to help somebody being the best version of themselves.

And we do this to each other with Haymitch. Thanks to him I am not so cold and calculated anymore, but I am still not sure if it's a good thing in those times. What is most important, thank to me he is a better man.

* * *

The next few days do not bring anything good.

One moment I am thinking of just taking Haymitch, my mum, Prim, Peeta and Gale with their families and head to the woods. I want to run away to have a shot at real life. I want to run away to be able to be happy out in the open and keep the people I love save. I know I will have to tell the rest the truth about me and Haymitch, but it's fine by me. They would find out eventually.

The problem arises when Peacekeepers invade our district, burn the Hob, kill the old head Peacekeeper, probably because he tolerated me going over the fence to get game and the black market we made for ourselves.

I don't know how things can change so drastically. One moment I am planning my escape and the next I am witnessing Gale being lashed.

I don't even think of the consequences when I throw myself right in front of him to stop his pain. The whip slashes my face and I think the Peacekeeper will kill me when suddenly, Haymitch covers me with his body.

"Stop! Do you have any idea who this girl is?! Just look at her face! She's having a photoshot for her wedding next week!"

I know what Haymitch says is stupid and it wouldn't work for anyone in my district, but this is the Peacekeeper from the Capitol. He knows what will happen if he kills me. The wedding is being meticulously planned by the Capitol to make people hate me, not to rebel with me.

Haymitch is actually pretty smart.

Then Peeta stands by our side too and I curse under my breath because he doesn't deserve getting hurt or killed.

Fortunately, the Peacekeeper stops and let us go with a warning.

I want to throw myself into Haymitch's arms, but I stop myself just in time. I can't do this. Any public show of affection will be our doom.

Instead, I do the other thing I must. I turn to poor Gabe and untie him. Then Peeta and Haymitch help me take him to my mum.

* * *

This is just terrible, I think.

People in my district will start starving soon. Without the Hob and me hunting there will be not enough food and I can't give them mine own. The Capitol would punish me for that.

What more, Gabe is still recovering and his back is in pretty bad shape. Thank god, there is snow outside to cool him down because otherwise… I don't even want to think what would happen.

Every night, except the first one when Gale got lashed, I sneak out to Haymitch. He prefers to stay low for now and he doesn't go out much. I understand. They are watching us more closely now and we can't afford any suspicions.

But I still go to him only to sneak back in the morning. I can't imagine not doing that because who knows how much time we have left? Who knows what will happen tomorrow?

Now we are both taking a bath, soaking in bubbles and hot water. I am sitting between his legs, propped against his chest.

I still feel bad when I have such luxuries in my the Victors' Village, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I just try not to think of it much.

I idly trace my fingers along Haymitch's scar. He didn't like it once, but he got used to me loving him for who he was. He finally believed I don't mind any flaws on his body, what more, I don't mind his age. After all, he looks pretty good even if he's older than me. It's even surprising considering the amounts of alcohol he had drunk over the years, but I guess I appeared in his life just in time to stop that addiction.

Sometimes I have the impression that I am his new addiction, but I don't mind it.

"You know," I suddenly say, "scars are the roadmap to the soul."

"Where did you hear that?" he chuckles.

"I don't remember… but it's true."

He doesn't answer although I know he thinks I am right.

"I have bad news for you today, sweetheart," he says after few more silent minutes.

"What can be possibly worse than what's happening?" I ask, cocking my head to look at him.

"They asked me to give you away at the altar," he answers and my heart just sinks. I feel it somehow in my stomach as something heavy and unpleasant.

"How is that for a bitter irony?" I ask, trying to keep myself calm.

"Sweetheart…" Haymitch rubs my arms.

"I might officially become Peeta's wife," I say, "but in my heart I will be yours. Always and forever. If I have to say my vows to him, you need to know that every word will be really directed at you." I turn myself and straddle him, looking into his blue eyes. They're glassy now.

"Katniss…" he says my name what happens very rarely.

"Shhh… we'll be alright." I kiss him gently.

"It won't be fair to Peeta."

"And it's fair to us?!" I finally burst and close my eyes, because the pain in my heart is too much. "I won't survive if I have to see you every single day and not be able to touch you! To be with you!"

"Then we don't have to see each other."

"Haymitch," I grab his face and force him to look at me again, "listen to me. Peeta knows I'm not in love with him and he still agreed to this farce of a marriage. He knows it's the only way to protect everybody and everything, so don't you worry about him. Worry about us. We can do this, we can keep sneaking out like this. I will never be his."

"What if the Capitol will force you to have kids, so they could be sent to the arena, hah? What then?" Haymitch asks the perfect question and I feel him shaking even though the water is still hot.

"I will never have children with him. I can play infertile. He can…"

"They'll fix you or find out you're lying."

"Then I'll have your children or… not, I can't. I can't watch them being reaped… We'll just… we'll escape."

"How? The electricity in the fence is up again."

"Then we'll figure something out when the time comes. Let's not worry tonight, please," I beg him and kiss him. Then I use my hands and my body to work him up into arousal and I lower myself onto his erection.

"Let's just make love tonight, Haymitch."


	9. Chapter 9

**AN **As I'm now in the process of rereading _Mockinjay,_ I can't help but hating Katniss a little. Why? Because she hates Haymitch for making her "a pawn in his own game". That is a little unfair. No offence for Suzanne Collins, but GRRR! I need to make a lot of changes and I already came up with my own idea for the last part. A pretty good and dramatic twist. You have to wait and read: p

Of course - I do not own the Hunger Games.

* * *

**Part 9**

_Katniss POV_

We are all suddenly called to watch a mandatory audition on television.

I wonder what is it about? It is true that I have just had my wedding dress fit and it was terrible. My prep ream and Cinna came to my house yesterday and tried about dozen of dresses. Every dress required a different kind of makeup and hair, so by the end of the day I was exhausted and crabby.

Is it possible that they have already edited the video footage to show it on television? I don't know, but I will find out soon.

We all gather in the living room in my house. Haymitch takes the chair when I with Prim and my mother sit on the sofa. Peeta stands behind us.

I hate that I need to keep my relationship a secret and not be able to show it off even in front of my family, but it's for the greater good. I can't just burden them with this information and expect them to act normal in a bigger crowd. No, this is too shocking. It wouldn't be if I told them I am with Gale, but Haymitch is a totally different story.

I was right. They are showing the best dresses and the people of the Capitol can finally start voting, but… it's not over. Suddenly, I see president Snow on the screen and I am full of hatred. If only I could reach my hand through the television and strangle him.

Then I hear what he's saying, but it doesn't make any sense to me, "On the seventy-fifth annual Hunger Games, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."

The screen goes black and I sit there, trying to process what I have just heard.

I am going back to the arena.

It doesn't take much to connect the dots. I am the only female victor in District 12. And then… there are…

I stand up and run to the door before I catch a glimpse of Haymitch's, my mum's or Prim's face.

Just when… Just when I… and he… I should have known better than to believe I could actually be happy.

I hear Haymitch roar and then I hear something breaking, the glass shattering.

The vase that was on the table. That was probably the thing he broke.

Still, I keep on running. I'm running as fast and as far as I can go, but in overall it isn't very far. I stop abruptly right by the electric fence and for a moment I consider just throwing myself at it and ending it all. Only then I see Haymitch's face and I can't do that. I can't hurt him like that. Dying in the arena it's one thing, committing suicide is the other. I am pretty sure he's already thinking how to keep me alive. _Again. _

I will not let him do it this time. He will not be able to live without me as I without him and I know there is no way out of this. We will die.

There is an equal chance that Peeta will be reaped and suddenly, I feel like he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve to be sent back. He doesn't even belong to the arena even if he won last year. He won thanks to me and without me… he would have been dead.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

When I hear it I don't know what is worse. Coming back to the arena? Being trapped again? Being The Capitol's pawn in the Games? Or seeing her going back there too? Losing her?

No, the answer is actually pretty simple.

I don't care if I die. I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life suffering and drinking. I need to save her. I can't survive another lost.

I throw the vase at the television with a roar and then look around.

She is gone.

I wait and wait, but then when Peeta actually addresses me and begs me to keep her alive, I snap and leave.

She will know where to find me when she's ready.

* * *

She comes to me when it's dark outside what means she was gone for hours.

I don't feel offended. She probably wasn't ready to face me and watch all our dreams and hope just crashing down. It's like we've built a castle on sand.

By the time she returns, I'm already half through a bottle of liquor.

She comes in and looks at me.

Suddenly, I feel guilty because under the puffy eyes and sad face I can tell she is mad at me for drinking again.

To my astonishment, she comes closer and takes the bottle from me, drinking like it was water.

"Sweetheart," I start warningly because I know what will happen next.

And I am right.

Her eyes go teary again, but this time not from sorrow, this time it's from pure alcohol. Then she starts coughing.

"Sweetheart, are you alright?" I ask with care.

She shakes her head and suddenly, she throws the bottle at the wall, following my previous move with the vase.

"Really, Haymitch? One bad news and you're already back to drinking?!" she snaps at me and takes a chair next to mine. "I thought you were better than this."

"Sweetheart…"

"Stop saying that!" she screams and when I try to put my hand on her shoulder, she flinches. "I need to ask for a favor," she says after a moment in much calmer voice. "It's about Peeta."

"Don't you dare," I say roughly and clench my fists.

"We owe him this," she does it anyway, "we owe him to keep him alive this time."

"No!" I turn to her. She avoids my eyes like she was talking to her hands that she has entwined on her laps.

"You chose me the last time. Now it's his turn. He deserves it, Haymitch. He's nothing like we are. He's pure."

"He's also in love with you. What do you think happened right after Snow's announcement?" I ask her. "He immediately turned to me and ask me to keep _you _alive. And I will do it."

"We have no future! I will be there against another twenty two experienced victors! I will die!"

"No! You will live!" I grab her face and force her to look me in the eye. She cries again and trembles under my touch.

"Don't…" she asks.

"If Peeta is reaped, I will not volunteer for him! I will keep you alive!" I raise my voice. "End of discussion!"

"And when you're reaped? We're doomed."

"No, then Peeta will volunteer, he told me so."

"Haymitch, you can't just do this. We can't kill him."

"We're not killing him. The Capitol is."

"Please, keep him alive," she tries one more time, but it doesn't work on me.

"Katniss," I say, this time cupping her face with both my hands and looking at her from so close that only inches part our lips, "I've been alone and broken for so long than If it happens to me again, if you die, I will kill myself."

"No…" she moans in tears.

"Oh, yes. I love you, Katniss Everdeen, and I will not let you die. I'm sorry, but you cannot ask me to save Peeta… Well, unless you're in love with him now." I provoke her.

She shoots me such a look that I know I can be sure she is not.

Then she kisses me, probably not able to withstand the tension and closeness.

She clings to me desperately and soon, she is on my laps, kissing me hard and tearing my clothes off.

"Is it my curse?" she asks in between the kisses. "Every time I think I may have a chance to finally be happy, it's just stripped away. Haymitch, it's all my fault."

"Oh, no, sweetheart," I say, "how can it be your fault? It would've happened eventually. Some rebellion was bound to happen in such times."

Then we don't speak anymore. We just feel. We're doing the best we can with "living in the moment", because it's all we have.

"I love you," she cries when I flip us and enter her.

"I love you too, sweetheart. I always will. No matter what."

"I need it harder, Haymitch… harder and faster… I'm so angry… I need to forget…"

So I comply and if it not for the circumstances, that would be one of the best times we've had.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

It's the Reaping day and I think it came way to fast.

I want to go back in time. I want to be born hundred years ago… or more… I want to have a chance at life.

Instead I get death. Death to all the people I love. Death to me.

Haymitch is reaped. Our eyes meet and I know in that moment that he will die for me. I know it. I will be sent to the arena and I will be forced to watch the only man I have ever truly loved, dying for me.

My life will have no sense after that anyway. Prim is safe. The Capitol loves her as she's the little girl I volunteered for to save her. My family will be safe as long as they stay low what I know they will.

There is only one option left for me. To die along Haymitch. I will go, but I will not come back.

My plan is destroyed when Peeta volunteers for Haymitch and I shoot my love a look a panic.

_What now?_

But I know what will happen now.

He will keep me alive again. He will not care about Peeta.

So I will have to do this, won't I? I will have to keep Peeta safe.

Can I not? Can I be selfish and… come back home?

The odds of that are close to zero anyway.

I don't know what to do… I am so trapped…

Of all the scenarios… getting married to Peeta, having to hide my love for Haymitch from everyone, having to have kids, escaping, seeing them being killed in the arena… I never foresaw that I would have to come back myself.

Of course I didn't. I thought that once I was a victor I was untouchable.

It's better than having kids, loving them and letting them die anyway.

I discover the rules are changed and they won't even let me say goodbye to Prim, mum and Gale. They're just taking us to the train.

Fortunately, Haymitch is there with me as my mentor.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN **One more follower and I will reach 50!

* * *

**Part 10**

_Katniss POV_

We barely get to the Capitol and we are already taken to out stylists, so we make it for the official presentation of the tributes.

When we ask Haymitch for an advice, he says only one thing and it hurts me, "All the time, stay in love."

I know he doesn't mean himself, he means Peeta and it pains us both. I can't hold it against Haymitch because I know he's right. This is the only way to survive. The people of the Capitol can't know that this relationship is a hoax.

I feel miserable and don't smile at all. My prep team keep crying and obviously, it doesn't help.

Finally, Cinna tells them to stop and leave me alone and he finishes the work for them.

This time I am put in a costume that looks like an ordinary black jumpsuit.

"When you feel it's time, push that button," Cinna tells me while showing me the small knob on my sleeve.

"What will happen?" I ask him.

"Just trust me. Do it when you feel it's time for a show. Preferably, under Snow's nose."

"Cinna, whatever it is… I don't want you to get yourself in trouble."

He puts his hand to my face. "I always transfer my feelings into my work, Katniss. They need to see it."

I don't have time to argue because it's almost time to go to the chariots.

I step out of the prep room and decide to look for Haymitch, but I can't see him anywhere. Where can he be? Can I sneak out to him at night? At this point I don't even care they may catch me on camera. They can't do anything more to me. I am going to my death. There is nothing worse they can come up with.

* * *

Cinna's idea is brilliant as always, but I am worried about him. I'm not sure if he's safe because of what he created.

Right before the presentation I meet Finnick Odair and it isn't very pleasant. He annoys me and it makes me look more combat. Good. That was what I wanted and apparently, Cinna wanted it too.

I push the button and we both with Peeta are bathed in flames. This time they look more real and they're engulfing us all.

I do not stop looking at Snow and I act like the whole Capitol was beneath me.

It looks like this year I may be able to be more like myself after all.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

"You shouldn't have come here," I say when the door opens and I see Katniss sneaking in.

"What more can they do to me?" she asks and shrugs.

"They can make it harder for you to survive in the arena," I say angrily.

"Have you been drinking?" she asks me when shedding her clothes and then getting closer.

"No," I answer.

"Oh, so you're just mad at me for no reason then. You should be mad at them."

"I'm mad because I want you to come back to me."

"What if I don't?" she asks when finally getting into my bed and snuggling into my body. I can't help it, my arms pull her closer right away. I need to feel her body next to mine until I can. "If I don't come back, those few nights is all we have," she says and kisses me.

"Katniss..."

"Don't say anything. Nothing you say will change things."

"I loved you costume," I voice my opinion.

"And I love that you don't drink even though you really need it now."

"I need to be sober, so I can be more calculated. Nothing can cloud my judgment, not now."

"Because you want me alive."

"Because I want you alive," I repeat.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

It happens after the training.

We have been watching videos from the previous Hunger Games to see who we will have to fight against and we learn their technique. Effie provided us with all the tapes, but as long as Haymitch was watching them with us, we did not bring up watching the second Quarter Quell, because he was the victor.

Now Haymitch is gone and Peeta takes this very tape.

"No," I say adamantly, "we can't watch this one, Peeta. It doesn't feel right."

"Katniss, we respected Haymitch not to watch it with him, but I don't think we have a choice here. There were only two Quarter Quells and we need to know everything about them. We need to watch it for strategy, not to see Haymitch win."

I know his words make sense and I know Peeta well enough, so I don't question his motives. He would never watch this tape just to spite Haymitch or to find out what he neglected to tell him. Yes, him, because I know what happened, only I can't admit it.

"Peeta, I said no."

"We need to see the arena, Katniss," he argues. "What's the big deal anyway? Haymitch won and he's still with us. Don't you want to know how he did it?"

No, I think, no, because I already know. I touched the scar. I even kissed it.

But I can't tell Peeta that. I also can't leave the room, because he would see right through me. I know there is no other choice but to suffer through watching the tape. I just hope I won't have nightmares after that.

I try to see as little details as possible. The arena itself picks my interest and then I see young Haymitch. He doesn't look at all like the man I have fallen for. He is unscathed yet, he doesn't carry any burden with him.

For some reason I want to cry because I know that those few days in the arena will change him irreparably. He will become the rough man I got to know and love.

I don't care. I love him anyway. The Hunger Games, as grotesque as it sounds, brought us together. We found solace in our pain. We found happiness in each other.

Would have we done it if he hadn't been sent to the Games? If I hadn't be? Or… I feel hurt when I think that he might have died there and I might have never known him. I wouldn't even have known his name. Why would have I cared?

"Katniss, are you alright?" I hear Peeta's voice and I try very hard not to show him my tears.

"Ok, I will turn this off. I know he's our mentor and we've both grown attached to him."

Just now I realize that the Haymitch on the screen is already broken. He is my Haymitch now. He has a hold on his stomach and he collapses to the ground.

I close my eyes. I don't want to see it. I know what will happen anyway. The girl will throw the axe and it will come back, killing her. And Haymitch will be saved just in the last moment.

"That was blind luck," we hear Haymitch's voice from behind us when Peeta turns the TV off.

I jump and look back at the scarred man I love so much. He sees he tears in my eyes and he does not seem to be angry with me. He even looks at me in a way like he wanted to tell me it's alright.

"Haymitch, we're sorry," Peeta speaks, "we're just…"

"I know and I respect you for waiting till I was gone. I hope you've learnt from the look of the arena, because you can't possibly learn from me. There was no skill there. Just luck."

Peeta nods and a moment after that he leaves the room like he felt ashamed.

"Haymitch, I didn't want to…" I start, but he shushes me.

"It's alright, sweetheart," he says softly and sits right next to me on the couch. Then he places his hand on mine. "It's fine. I know why you did it and I'm not mad."

I don't care that we're in the video room right now. I snuggle into him and he puts his arm around me. I need him right now. Knowing what happened to him was terrible, but seeing it was so much worse…

* * *

I am so glad when Haymitch and Effie decide that I and Peeta don't need any coaching lessons anymore. They decide to give us a free day and I already know how I will spend mine. Haymitch probably managed to convince Effie after the evaluation on which Peeta drew Rue and I hung a doll I named Seneca Crane. Those were our small personal vendettas and we will probably pay for it in the arena.

I sleep in Haymitch's room every night and he stops protesting. I know he needs me as much as I need him those days. I know the day we'll have to part forever is coming and I dread it.

We spend the whole morning in bed, not showing for breakfast, just enjoying each other. I prefer to kiss him and make love to him because that way I don't think of the future. When I do I am so terrified of what I will lose that it just overwhelms me.

After lunch I say we should go to the roof. We take food and blankets and make a picnic up there.

"Remember how we talked here? That night when we both couldn't sleep?" I ask, remembering the times before my first Games.

"Yes," he says huskily. "That was the moment I knew you were someone special to me. I decided to keep you alive for all cost," he says.

We lie on the blankets now, just enjoying our company and the sun shining brightly on us.

I finger his soft hair and think how I will not be able to do that anymore.

I really want to cry, but I am tough. I need to stay strong for him.

* * *

The next day it's the official interview and then there's only one step… the arena.

I am so scared. I am scared for Cinna, because he apparently did something to the wedding dress Snow requested I wear tonight. Not that I like to have a wedding dress on myself, but if Cinna gets in trouble… He will be just one more person I endangered.

I hate this dress. It's so not my style, I think. I prefer something more modest. It gets even worse when I catch a glimpse of Haymitch face. He is hurt just like me.

If I ever should get into a wedding dress, it would be for him, to marry him. Not to give a fucking interview to the audience before I die!

It gets even worse.

First Joanna teases me about my outfit, so I say that Snow made me wear it.

Her face softens and she tells me to make him pay.

Then Peeta stands by my side and I hear words that make my stomach twist in a very unpleasant way, "I know about your secret."

I turn to look at his face and I am petrified. I see betrayal, I see shock and I see how broken he is.

He's talking about Haymitch! I think in panic.

"But I am still going to protect you," he continues to my astonishment. "It's what you do when you love someone, isn't it? You out of all people should understand… and you know well who else does it."

"Peeta, I…" I feel so guilty, yet I find no words to say to him.

"Don't," he interrupts me. "I get it. Really. Don't apologize." Then, after a moment of hesitation, he leans toward me and whispers into my ear, "I was a fool when I thought that maybe someday you would be able to love me."

I want to say something. I want to ask where did he find out. Did he see us? Did he just now realize that?

Only I can't, because it's my turn to give an interview.

Perfect timing!


	11. Chapter 11

**AN1 **My dear readers and followers! We did it! Or maybe I should say: YOU DID IT! This story now has over 50 followers! Thank you so much! (Can we make 100?;P)

**2 **Thank you, Katherine, for your kind words! I'm glad you like this story so much. Well, I'm just doing my MA on English, so I better do a good job:P

**3 **Just a note to all of you: tomorrow I will probably be able to update, but in the next two days I will not, so please do not think I abandoned you when you won't see a new chapter! I will do my best to post it in Friday!

* * *

**Part 11**

_Katniss POV_

My dress, again hits just the right spot, but I am afraid Cinna is in serious trouble now.

Everything is fine until Flickerman _(*I'm sorry, I don't know why previously I called him Flinkman_) tells me to twirl. I do that and I feel like I am caught in a fire again, but I trust Cinna. I don't feel my skin burning, so it must be safe for me.

When I stop, I realize I no longer wear a wedding dress. For a moment I think Cinna made me look like a widow to buy the audience's sympathy, but no, I am much, much more.

I am the Mockinjay. The black simple dress, the wings attached to my arms that I now raise, so I look like a bird.

Everyone is speechless and Flickerman says that it's all thanks to my stylist, Cinna.

I see it in Cinna's eyes. He is in big trouble. God, what has he gotten himself into? Another person risking his life for me! How can I go on like that?

I should do a decent thing and save Peeta, I think. He is good with words, so if there's any rebellion, he will be a great leader. Me? I am just an angry girl in costumes that say what should be said for me. I can't even open my mouth because I know that will not help me.

I go off the stage to stand with the rest of the tributes and it's time for the very last interview. Peeta.

I am afraid of what he may tell the audience. Is he mad at me? But he said he would protect me, so he can't possibly tell them the truth, can he?

I get my answer fast. And I am completely stunned.

Peeta announces I am pregnant. With his child. What more, he claims we have gotten married in secret because the Games stripped us from a wedding.

How can anyone buy it?! I don't care about a stupid wedding! What is important is love, friendship, standing for something. Some stupid big event is so not important!

But the audience, as always, buy it.

I know now that by saying I'm pregnant Peeta managed to do two completely opposite things. It's brilliant really, when considering his feelings and my betrayal.

He is still protecting me, but in the same time he is hurting Haymitch. And me.

Perfect move from his side.

I never took him for a spiteful man and he isn't really. Those were just words, not even the truth, but they were enough. Words were always his weapon.

He joins me and the rest of the tributes, but he doesn't look at me. I'm still shocked and try to hide it. Maybe the audience will just think I'm terrified of going back to the arena when allegedly pregnant?

This evening doesn't stop surprising me because no one can keep the people watching quiet. They yell at Flickerman, they yell at Snow to call off the Games, to stop it.

Snow wanted to show how big his power was, but in fact, he might have just made the Panem furious by sending their favorite victors to fight to death again.

Then something remarkable happen and I can barely believe it. Peeta holds my hand and soon enough, all the tributes, all the victors, hold hands, united. United against the Capitol.

I'm sure once we're all in the arena, the alliance will be broken, but for now, we are one.

The lights go off, but not soon enough. Everyone in here and everyone watching TV saw it.

* * *

Benefiting from the commotion, I grab Peeta's arm and ask him, "How did you find out?"

No one can hear us as the Peacekeepers try to direct us to the back exit, out of the stage and everyone is talking at once.

I keep the appearances anyway, just in case they do listen. From our conversation they may think Peeta didn't know about the pregnancy and he found out by accident.

"On the train," he says, his voice strangely devoid of any particular tone or feeling. "I had my suspicious and they were only confirmed later on. I was watching you carefully. It's… Katniss, I can understand the… the pull… but…" I know he tries not to say too much.

"Peeta, after the arena… I feel like I'm hundred years old," I tell him to make him understand that age was never an issue. I feel ancient anyway.

"Yeah, I never got that," he sighs.

"You never killed anyone like I did. Please, just don't hate me…" I say and then we are led out of the stage to the other room, so I add just to keep appearances, "for not telling you."

"I can't hate you, Katniss."

He does it again. He makes it so hard for me not to help him.

I know I need to. It's the right thing to do. He has a shot at having a normal life. I and Haymitch… we just don't. Even if I survive, how can I really be with the man I love? If there's no upraising, I will have to play the mourning window, the woman who lost her child on the arena and it will be years before I will be able to declare my love for somebody else. If they let me at all. What kind of a future awaits after the Games? Especially when Snow wants me dead.

If Peeta survives, he will be the one needed. He can lead people if they decide to rebel.

It's as Haymitch said, it would have happened eventually, with or without my help.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

I know it isn't true, but the unexpected blow comes anyway. For a moment I wish I could coach Peeta, so I was prepared for this.

It hits me straight in the heart. I know the last thing on Katniss's mind right now is children, but imagining her having them with someone else than me pains me in a way that is almost unimaginable.

I realize I want to be with her my whole life, or at least what is left of it. If she wants kids, I want to give them to her. But I know I never will. I know I will lose her and I want to scream.

* * *

She comes to me in the night and I realize it's the very last time. Tomorrow she will be sent to the arena and I will be left alone.

"Haymitch?" she asks me in a strangely feeble voice. "Are you alright?

I don't answer. I don't want to lie to her because how can I be alright?

"What do you think about Peeta's idea?"

"I think it's a perfect strategy for you," I say in a hoarse voice. It sounds fake and she knows it.

"What do you really think?" she insists when sitting on the edge of the bed, right next to me.

"That I want to hit him, but I know I should thank him because he's protecting you."

"He knows. He figured it out. He figured us out," she says and still doesn't look directly at me.

I take her hand and entwine our fingers.

"He's a good boy."

"Yeah, he is."

Few seconds of silence and then I hear her cry.

"If there was really a baby… it should've been your baby…" Katniss confesses.

"Sweetheart," I say, trying to soothe her and I pull her closer, so I can hug her, "don't think about kids. Think about surviving."

"But… but…" she sobs, "loving you made me realized that if this world was normal… I would like to…" she doesn't finish, but I understand her perfectly. I would like that too. I have no one but her, so any addition to this small family would be a miracle.

"You need to survive the arena, sweetheart," I just say.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I haven't slept at all last night what is a mistake as I see my tired face in the mirror. Perfect. How can I be strong enough now? I help myself by eating a huge breakfast even though every bite is more difficult to chew and swallow.

I sneaked back to my room at dawn, kissing Haymitch goodbye, trying to pour all my feelings into that one kiss and I felt his tears on my face. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I just left.

Now they come to collect me.

I have one chance to see him and it's right before they take me to the hovercraft.

I am in debt to Peeta once again because he just says goodbye to Haymitch and disappears in the next room, giving us two some privacy.

Even though we're alone, I am sick that I can't kiss him because there are cameras everywhere. I would just like to hold him, to feel him next to me and to never let him go.

But I know I will never see him again. My heart breaks and I can see in his eyes that his breaks too. I turn around. I walk away. I leave.

Then I feel it's all wrong! I can't just disappear like that and leave him with nothing. To leave him to his own excruciating pain and grief.

So I come back. I thrust myself into his arms and whisper, "I love you," into his ear.

He is the only one that can hear it and he says, "I love you too."

His hold on me is strong and desperate. I can feel him slowly breaking and I don't want to see his hurt face now. How can I leave him like this? How can I?!

But if I don't, the Capitol will force me and kill me. If I do leave him, I will be dead anyway. There is no other option, no way out, no alternative. I am doomed. Our love is doomed.

Then he's holding me a little too tight. I know we need to break soon because they will get suspicious.

"You will come back to me," he whispers and then lets me go.

He didn't promise me what I wanted, but I can't be possibly angry about that. I also can't come back. I will do anything to save Peta, even without Haymitch's help. I owe him. He is the most purest and good person of all of us and he doesn't deserve to die, so two broken people could get back to each other.

I cast Haymitch one last look. My eyes are already full of tears.

He is mine forever and there will be no one else. And our romance, our love ends as fast as it started, once again killed by the Capitol. My rage for them is just too big to describe in words. I need to make them pay.

I need to make them pay for forcing me to love someone I don't in front of cameras all my life. To get engaged, to keep pretending while the man I really loved was slowly dying inside because of it.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

Katniss is gone and I feel like my heart was just ripped out of my chest.

I sway a little, make a few steps toward the door, unsteadily. I need to grab the edge of the table to keep my balance.

She is _gone._

I will do anything I can to save her, but I saw that look on her face. She _knew _she would not come back.

Suddenly, the door behind me opens and when I turn, I see Plutarch Heavensbee, the new Gamemaker.

"Nicely covered," he says and closes the door. "Does the rest know about this?" he asks.

"What?" I frown in surprise. He can't be possibly talking about…

"You and the girl on fire. Together. When she's fooling everyone that she married Peeta. I can't be easy for you two, can it? Especially when she's supposedly pregnant with the guy."

"You…" I just say and white rage hits me. I throw myself at Plutarch, not even caring about the consequences. Without Katniss I am dead anyway.

"Hey! Hey!" Plutarch holds my wrists in the air and tries to push me away. "I want to save her too!" he yells.

"What?!" I am so taken aback that he easily pushes me back and I stumble but manage not to fall.

"Listen to me carefully," he says, "the cameras are out only for five minutes!"

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I am numb. Maybe I will always be. I can't feel anything anymore. Maybe it's a good thing.

Cinna sees me off to the glass tube that will take me to the arena. I vaguely register him telling me that judging from my suit I will have to face dessert or tropics. None a place for a girl on fire.

In the last minutes he gives me my token, the mockinjay pin, and attaches it to my arm.

"Remember that I'm still betting on you," he tells me and kisses my forehead, "and… Katniss…" he says quietly to my ear, "Remember who the enemy is."

"What?" I wake up from the haze that was clouding my mind and frown.

"A message from Haymitch," he whispers.

I don't understand. Why Haymitch wanted to send me this message? Why didn't he tell me that when we were saying goodbye?

The tube is open and I need to go in, but surprisingly, when I'm in it, it doesn't go up.

I look at Cinna, taken aback. What is going on?

Then the Peacekeepers storm into the room and… beat him to a pulp.

His blood splatters on the glass I am behind and I scream and scream, trying to get out, but I can't.

Finally, Cinna is dragged out of the room and the tube goes up.

I'm not ready! I want to scream. I can't go into the arena now!

Cinna! They will kill him! I know they will! All because of a dress… a piece of clothing that yet had so much power…

And now I know who the enemy is.

It's the Capitol. It's Snow.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN **You spoilt me and now I feel like I didn't get enough reviews! Well, you have two days without an update to make up for it. : P It's not because I'm punishing you, I was just kidding. I already warned you I will not have time.

* * *

**Part 12**

_Haymitch POV_

It's agony for me to watch her once again on the screen. Yet, I can't stop. Knowing what is happening to her is better than not knowing at all.

I want to send her a message that the arena is a clock, I want to just go in there right now and rescue her.

Only I can't. And I am brutally reminded of it by Plutarch.

In our next secret meeting he tells me that no messages is allowed. It would be too suspicious, besides, he already showed Katniss his watch and gave her a few clues.

A few clues she doesn't realize she even has, I want to scream at his face, but of course, I don't. He is the miracle I and Katniss needed and it doesn't matter that it's not perfect. It doesn't matter that his plan has flaws nor that District 13 is acting just like the Capitol at the moment. They can save my sweetheart and once it's done, I can worry about the rest.

"Beetee needs to perform a trick with his wire and then we can pull them out," Plutarch tells me. "No sooner because then they will all be killed. I already have a plan and you need to be ready any minute. When Katniss receives bread, the number of the pieces will be a code for a time and place to retreat them…"

The plan seems good, but it's still flawed. I imagine there can be nothing better anyway. It's the best we can do and I just pray that Katniss survives till that time.

* * *

Peeta just nearly died and Katniss, even though I know she cares about him, pulled off an amazing performance for the audience. I know she would be upset if Peeta died, especially when she tries so hard to protect him, but I also know that the kiss was fake. I can tell the difference now when I received so many kisses from her myself. Maybe because I know her well I am the only one who can make it out. She puts her mouth against Peeta's, but her mind is somewhere else and I see tears in her eyes.

Every other person watching them right now probably thinks she's crying because she's scared for his life and because she loves him so much.

I know that she cries because of me.

What I see pains me, but I need to be strong. Soon enough this nightmare will be over and we will be reunited and then the star-crossed lovers thing will be over too.

I send her the spile. It's the best I can do right now and I hope she will figure out how to use it soon enough.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

It's first time I fall asleep in the arena and I'm already dreaming of Haymitch.

I am alone in the jungle and he is there somewhere too. I can hear his cries of pain. I know he is dying. I also know he is trying to get to me, but I can't find him.

My lips open and I want to call his name, but in the same time I am shaken awake.

The name is already on my lips, but fortunately, my mind registers the surroundings and I manage not to say it.

I can't believe I was so close to exposing my true feelings in front of the whole Panem.

"Katniss, we need to GO!" I hear Finnick's roar and I see some strange mist coming toward us. "Let's go!" he screams once more time and pulls my hand hard.

Peeta and Mags are already on their feet, preparing to flee.

* * *

Mist. Monkeys.

I am so tired… I think as I lie in a pool of salt water, waiting for the feeling to return to my numb limbs. The fog was lethal and it took Mags.

I still can't come to terms with the fact that she just sacrificed herself so Peeta could live. On the other side, it was the right thing to do. I would do that if I were in Mags age and somebody young needed help. She volunteered for Annie after all, she must know she was going to die. There was no way a woman as old and fragile as she was could survive here for long. Still, I miss her.

Then there's the morphling that covered Peeta with her own body.

Why did she do that?

Why Finnick revived Peeta in the first place at all?

So many questions…

Was it Haymitch? Did he decide to honor my promise after all? Did he somehow convince those victors to protect Peeta with their own lives?

Only it doesn't make any sense and I know it.

Haymitch wouldn't do that, I think, he is blinded by love. If so, he would try protect me.

Unless he does think that we have no future…

I tell myself to stop thinking and start acting because it doesn't help me at all. It just makes my heart ache.

* * *

_Tick tock. This is a clock._

How could I not see it before? I think, excited for the first time since I got into the arena.

I still have a lot to figure out. For instance, why Joanna said she saved Wiress and Beetee for me? Then Finnick took a knife to his thigh for Peeta. WHY?!

Right now I am so thankful for Wiress. She seemed nuts as Joanna described her, but for me she was a genius.

I just wish I could save her.

Then I scold myself because if I want to keep Peeta alive, I need to kill every one of my allies. That thought is so unsettling that I come back to thinking about the clock arena.

Of course, I should have known sooner. Plutarch even showed me it, directly giving me a clue. Only I couldn't connect the dots as those two things seemed to belong to completely different events.

When we're back to the beach, trying to figure out the safest way to the lightning bolt tree, I finally let the truth invade my brain.

There is only one explanation for the strange behavior of the victors around me. Haymitch must have changed his mind, he must have given up on us in order to try and save Peeta. Why would he do that? Because Peeta can move people with his words. The rebellion must have been about to begin.

I want to cry, but I can't.

Saving Peeta is all I wanted from the beginning, it's all I wanted from Haymitch, but once he did listen to me, I feel like he betrayed me somehow. I know it's contradictory and it doesn't make any sense, but it feels like a betrayal of love.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

There is nothing to prepare now, nothing to do but sit and watch and wait for the signal.

I watch Katniss face on the screen like I wanted to remember every single detail of it. Every line.

"Soon, sweetheart," I whisper and my heart feels like it's bleeding. "Soon, just hang on long enough…"

She has survived so far and it's a good sign, but I know that with the way the arena is designed, it can change any second.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

The Gamemakers spun the arena when we were at the Cornucopia and now we don't have a clue where we are. We can only assume and it's not good.

We tentatively enter the jungle as Beetee thinks it's a place where none of us been yet.

And he is right as suddenly, I hear a terrifying scream of… my sister.

"Prim!" I yell and run toward the source of the sound. It can't be. How is she here? What did they do to her? What can I do to save her? "PRIM!"

"Katniss! Help!"

I am in the right place, but there is no sign of her.

"Prim, where are you?!"

"Katniss, over here! Help!"

I swirl and swirl around, but I can't see her. Finally, I look up, into the sky and notice a jabberjay.

"It's not her, Katniss," Finnick says, appearing by my side. "They're just scaring you. It's not Prim. It's a jabberjay."

I hear him, but I can't seem to listen. Prim is still screaming.

I suddenly grab my bow and shoot the bird. The screams stop. Finnick was right.

"Finnick!" we hear right away as a new bird comes. "Finnick! Help me!" It's a female voice.

"Annie!" Finnick calls after her, doing what I've been doing a moment before.

"Finnick, it's not real!" The roles are reversed and I am the one trying to make him realize the truth now.

There is no other option but to shoot this bird too

Suddenly, we see a whole flock of them flying toward us.

"Run!" I yell to Finnick and we speed in the direction of the rest of our group.

I don't see anything in front of me, yet I hit an invisible wall. It's like the force field, only it doesn't electrify us.

On the other side Peeta is screaming something to me, but I don't hear him. All I hear now is _his _voice.

I drop to my knees and cover my ears. I feel Finnick doing the same right beside me.

It's Haymitch I hear. Haymitch in pain like in that nightmare I had, like in that video from the Games I saw.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to tell him I love him.

But I can't.

That would be…

Wait… if I can hear him… Who knows?! Do the Gamemakers know?! Does Snow know?! How?! Or it's just a random choice? But why would I be upset over my mentor's screams if there are still so many people the Capitol can be sure I love?

I cry as I just scoot there, on my knees, hands on my ears, waiting for this hour to be over and dreading for Haymitch's life back in the Capitol.

I hear Prim again. I hear Gale and my mum and it makes me shake more and more, but in the same time I feel relieved. My brain knows those aren't actual people screaming and it's not only Haymitch anymore, but my heart still feels every single one.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

"Did you do this?" I turn to Plutarch when we meet for the last time.

"What?"

"The jabberjay mimicking my voice," I say, trying to remain calm. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that can be? If people start to wonder why…"

"I didn't do this. Snow requested it. He told me to mimic the voices of Katniss's family, you and Gale Hawthorne. I did what I was asked for. I had no choice."

"So he knows?!" I get angry and fist my hands.

"Maybe, maybe not. We can't really tell, but it doesn't matter now. Haymitch, I think it's tonight. Midnight." After having said that, he leaves.

I already know what I need to do. I just hope Katniss will hold on.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

"It's ok, Peeta, we have no choice, we need to separate," I say because I really don't have a choice. I don't want to start any fight right now when we can actually eliminate the strongest players thanks to Beetee's wire.

Then I go with Joanna, but still… I feel that strange dread deep in my veins…


	13. Chapter 13

**AN **I know, I promised you an update today and I also know it's late (at least in some of your countries… : P), but I'm doing what I can. I've had a very busy day and all I want right now is to go undercover, drink something hot and watch TV shows. I don't, not yet, because I want to write this for you.

* * *

**Part 13**

_Haymitch POV_

It's so close… I get into the hovercraft and pray so Katniss makes out of there alive.

There's an hour left to the final lightening that is supposed to struck the tree and Beetee's wire, shutting down the system and breaking the arena wall.

The first part of the plan goes rather smoothly. Johanna knocks Katniss out and cuts off her tracker. I wince as I see blood, but I know there is really no other way. My girl will have to become the Mockinjay and she can't be tracked by Snow. She is to be protected for all costs.

That is why Johanna pretends Katniss is nearly dead and plays the bait, making the Careers chase her.

I hope Snow won't figure out what's happening until it's too late to stop it.

I'm just about to turn away from the screen as Plutarch should be here any minute when I see Katniss raising to her feet.

"No, sweetheart, what are you doing?" I hiss to myself. "Don't! Stay there, so we can find you!... Damn it!" I know exactly what she's doing. She's gone off to find Peeta. I stopped thinking like her for a moment and now I try to put myself in her position. It's obvious she thinks Johanna has turned on her and tried to kill her. The last thing on Katniss's mind right now must be to save Peeta and make him a victor.

"How is it going?" I hear Plutarch as he finally enters the hovercraft and we're off to go.

"Not good… oh, no…" I hiss again. "Plutarch, this is bad. Beetee came too close to the force field. He's alive as there was no cannon, but he's unconscious. Such an easy target and… there's no one to blew up it now!" I get angry and I want to throw something at the screen.

What now?! Our plan depended highly on Beetee!

"I knew we should've chosen somebody else for this job!" Right now I don't realize it yet, but in a few minutes… Katniss will die because of this one stupid mistake. Snow will likely kill off all the victors as Plutarch fled and there is no one in command of the Games now.

"Don't lose your hope just yet, Haymitch," Plutarch says and points the screen. "Look… she's there."

I'm powerless and I can only watch Katniss appearing by the tree again.

"No, don't touch the field," I say out loud as she could hear me. I'm really sick of watching her in mortal danger and not being able to do something to help her.

"Have a little faith in her, Haymitch." I feel Plutarch patting my back.

"I do have faith! I'm not worrying about her blowing up the field, I'm worrying about her having nothing to lose now! She still thinks she will die and I can't tell her to be careful!"

Just as a response to the not being careful part, I watch her figuring out what Beetee tried to do, then she takes the arrow and the end of the wire.

"What is she trying to do?" Plutarch asks.

I don't answer him, but I know. And everything inside me screams NO! If she does it, she will be electrified. She is way too close.

The lightning strikes and Katniss releases the arrow just in the same time.

Then everything goes black.

"We need to get there NOW!" I roar.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I can't find Peeta and I'm starting to panic. The shock about being knocked out and cut still hasn't worn off, so I move in a daze.

Where is he?! Is he dead?! I did hear a cannon just when Johanna disappeared and I can only hope it wasn't Peeta. I couldn't let him down like that. I just couldn't.

When I get back to the tree he is gone and there is no one else but unconscious Beetee.

It doesn't take much to figure out what he was doing with the wire. At first I think hard, trying to push through the raging headache I'm experiencing and figure out why Beetee would try to blow up the force field.

Then I hear Cinna's voice in my head, a message from Haymitch.

_Remember who the enemy is._

Cinna who died because he made me the perfect dress. Because he crossed Snow.

I know we will all die now. That Peeta will die too if I do this, but he might have been dead already. I also know he would like me to do this.

So I take an arrow and just as the lightning strikes the tree, I release it, high into the force field.

The force of the explosion throws me in the air and I land on my back on hard earth like a rag doll. I am numb all over, thinking I'm dead. That I finally died in the arena. I even wait for the cannon, but then… I shouldn't even hear it, should I? Silly me, I think. If I'm dead, then obviously nothing will come through my dead senses.

I lie there and lie and then, suddenly, I see a light in the darkness.

It's impossible, I think. Maybe I am really dead and I see the metaphoric tunnel? If I should believe those old tales…

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

"I see her!" Plutarch points something on the screen in the pilot cabin. "See those two red dots? One is Katniss and the other is Beetee," he explains, "and they're red what indicates they're still alive. We need to get them out of there as soon as possible! Snow must have known by now what happened and he will send his own hovercrafts after us!"

"Have you located the boy?" I ask him, doing it only for Katniss because all I want to do next is to find her. We can locate Peeta next. I know it's selfish, but I can't wait till she's safe with me and away from Snow. Safe in 13.

"No… but I do see Finnick."

* * *

_Katniss POV_

It's the strangest post mortal experience, I think when I'm picked up from the arena as every other dead tribute and raised up, to the hovercraft.

Should I feel this way? And this ache all over my body… the ache that is intensifying! I suddenly realize. It's not a dream. I am really alive! If I was dead, I wouldn't feel so much pain. Then there's this smell… something burnt. I realize in horror that it's my hair that singed at the end and my costume. I'm lucky I didn't catch fire and burnt to death.

That would be appropriate for the girl on fire…

Then a pair of hands is reaching for me and pulling me into the ship and I suddenly lie on the ground. Wait, no, not entirely… my head is on someone's laps. I see a pair of blue shining eyes above me and then, before it comes to me whom the eyes belong to, I drift off…

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

I reach for her, so eager to have her save in my arms.

My heart aches at the sight of her. She is so battered, her hair burnt a little and her costume all torn. She's still bleeding from the wound Johanna inflicted, but I know I should not be mad about that one. Johanna actually saved Katniss and as we haven't found her yet, I should be even more grateful to her for her sacrifice. If Snow lays his hands on her, who knows what he will do.

I look into Katniss's face and see that's she conscious.

"Katniss, sweetheart?!" I call her, but just before I open my mouth, she closes her eyes.

"Take her to a medic," Plutarch says when he takes a look at her. "We still need to get Beetee and Finnick."

I don't ask about Peeta. It looks like he's lost. Katniss will not like that.

I take her into my arms and I carry her to the other compartment of the plane, where there's a medic form 13, waiting to take care of the wounded.

"You need to leave. I'll tell you when I finish with her," he tells me.

I hesitate and I see his expression softens.

"She will be alright," he adds.

I can't say anything, not even a thank you. Nothing can come through my throat, it's so constricted that I feel like if I try to speak, I will burst into tears.

I need to be strong for her, I tell myself and pull myself together. My eyes are foggy.

* * *

**AN **Sorry to cut it here, but I am so tired I need to rest. I promise to update tomorrow and the day after: )

Look what I had in my notes today: Katniss comes back to the tree, shoots and boom.

LOL


	14. Chapter 14

**Part 14**

_Katniss POV_

I slowly begin to be aware of things around me. I hear a quiet and very familiar hum. I feel that I lie on something soft and that I have an oxygen mask on. I feel I wear something soft, something that is not my jumpsuit from the arena. I barely feel pain, so I must have gotten some drugs to dull it.

I raise my left hand slowly and touch the right arm just where I remember Johanna cut me. I feel a bandage under my fingers.

They patched me up, whoever is they. Am I in the hands of the Gamemakers? In the hands of Snow? Does he want me healthy and strong, so he can hurt me over and over again? Does he want to torture me? Does he want to publicly kill me?

Then something else appears in my mind. Something that I can swear happened just before I lost consciousness. A pair of blue eyes. Eyes so familiar they could belong to only one person I know.

Does Snow have him too? Or maybe I'm not in Snow's hands at all? Maybe I am…

I open my eyes immediately, trying not to think anymore, because I would hate to be disappointed once I conjured a scenario that would actually be happy.

I look around and I notice I'm in a hovercraft, lying on a hospital cot. Right next to me I see motionless Beetee. The presence of the oxygen mask over his face indicates that he survived.

I do not see any other person. Where is Peeta? I think. Is Johanna alive?

I take my oxygen mask off and slowly sit on my cot, then I raise to my feet. On the way out I grab a syringe, because I'm still not sure who pulled me out of the arena.

The door opens smoothly to a long corridor and I hear voices coming from the room at the end of it.

I slowly walk toward it. I wear a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, I realize. Someone must have changed my clothes. That same someone must have fixed my body as well.

"She'll be mad we lost the boy!" I hear a very familiar, very angry and, to me, a very dear voice.

"Haymitch?" I ask, my voice hoarse like I didn't use it for some time. I push the door open and I see a very bizarre scene.

I am in what looks like a command room and there are four figures by the round table.

I see Plutarch smiling to me, Finnick waving and… before I take a good look at the person standing in the back in the shadow, I see _him_ on the right, smiling to me and making his way to me. Blond longish hair, blue eyes, the same I saw when I was pulled into this hovercraft, little wrinkles around them, his mouth smiling to me.

"Haymitch!" I call his name again.

"You and a syringe against the Capitol?" he asks, teasing me as he is so happy to see me alive and well. "That's why no one lets you make the plans."

I drop the syringe, ignore his remark and throw myself at him. He catches me in the midway as we run into each other. My arms close around his neck ad he takes me into his embrace and then my lips are pressed against him.

I missed him so much, I realize. Back in the arena I preferred not to think of him, of his touch or him kissing me, especially when all the tributes around me were saving Peeta. It was too painful, I thought Haymitch listened to me, for once did what I wanted him to and gave up on me.

Of course, I was wrong, I think now. He would never ever do something like this. Just now I come to a realization that even if this scenario would be clearly impossible, if Peeta and Haymitch were in the arena together and I was the mentor… I wouldn't be able to let Haymitch die, no matter how much I would feel like I owe to Peeta to keep him alive.

This is why I kiss Haymitch back with all my force, hold him in my arms as he holds me and I never want to let him go. The truth overwhelms me. I don't know yet what he has done to save me, what he is doing here with Finnick and Plutarch, but I do now that we have a chance now. A chance at really being together.

I move back, curious about everything. I need to know. And that is when I notice who the fourth person in the room is.

Gale.

Gale standing there, watching me and Haymitch. Gale in total shock and bewilderment. His eyes widely opened, mouth parted.

"Ehm…" Haymitch clears his throat as he sees what I see now. "So… where were we?" he asks and like nothing happened, he pulls a chair for me, so I could sit.

Now I look at Finnick who is almost as shocked as Gale.

"You really had me there, Katniss," he finally says and sits down by the table as well, "I never bought the pregnancy thing, but I actually started believing you really loved Peeta when I revived him by the force field."

I don't say anything to that. What kind of an answer does he expect anyway? There is none.

"Katniss…" Gale starts as he is now watching mine and Haymitch's hands held together on the table, his fingers gently stroking my knuckles. "I… I thought… you know… Never mind."

"Gale, I'm sorry," I just say and I don't even know why. Why would I apologize about love? Then it hits me what it must look like to him. "Haymitch is not the person you think you know," I explain, "he isn't drinking anymore and he really cares about me. We love each other. We discovered how similar we actually are."

"It's fine, really, you don't need to explain," Gale says.

"What are you even doing here?" I ask him. "What happened? What _am I _doing here?"

Plutarch and Haymitch exchange looks and then Plutarch says, "We had to save you because whether you wanted it or not, you are the Mockinjay, Katniss. While you live, the revolution lives."

"The revolution? What happened?!"

And then I hear about the uprisings, about the existence of District 13 that now wants to take down the Capitol. I ask where were they when we needed their help? Where were they when we were forced to watch our children die in the arena?

I get a few answers to how outnumbered and endangered the 13 was, how they couldn't fight, how they needed to survive underground first and then come up with a plan… but I don't buy it. It's been _seventy five years_ after all!

Also, I have no choice but to go to them as I hear…

"Katniss, there is no District 12 anymore," Gale says in strained voice, avoiding my eyes.

"What?" My hand squeeze Haymitch's as I want to make sure he is really there for me. "What do you mean there is no 12?"

"Snow destroyed it. Bombed it," Plutarch follows with an explanation when it's clear that Gale is not able to say anything more. "It's gone."

"What about my family?!" I raise my voice and I'm pretty sure I'm hurting Haymitch because my hand is a vice now. I try to loosen my fingers a little.

After a moment I am relieved to hear that my family is alive and well in 13, but there is so many casualties… so many children… My home, the place I grew up in… just gone…

I feel tears flowing down my cheek and in the same time such a rage that if I saw Snow right now, I would put an arrow through his head without a moment of hesitation.

"Where's…" I suddenly remember. "Where's Peeta?" I ask the perfect question.

I witness that no one wants to look me in the eye now.

"Haymitch?" I turn to my lover. "Haymitch, where is Peeta? Is he…"

"No, no, he's alive," he says, looking at me with haunted eyes, "but… we couldn't find him and Snow's hovercrafts were after us… we couldn't look any longer… we needed to run if we wanted to live. I'm so sorry, sweetheart, but Peeta is in Snow's hands now."

"No!" I scream and let go of his hand. "NO!" I get to my feet. "You were trying to save _me _all the time even though we both know I didn't deserve it! Peeta did! And now he's… he's…" I can't say it out loud but I know he is probably being tortured in this very moment. Snow must have been doing things to him that are much worse than death itself.

"Sweetheart, I couldn't let you die!" Haymitch raises his voice as well and stands up. "Sweetheart, look at me!" he yells at me when I am about to explode and throw a tantrum. I want to take the chair I was sitting in and crash it against the wall.

Then I feel Haymitch's strong hands clasping over my arms and he manages to immobilize me. "Katniss," he says my name loud and clear. "Katniss, look at me."

I do it when his hands move up from my arms to my face. I can't help it. Even when I'm mad at him, I love him. I always will.

Our eyes meet and I stay still. The world around me becomes meaningless.

"Come with me," Haymitch says and takes my hand, leading me out of the command room, then through the corridor and some door.

I find myself in a small room with a bed and a small closet.

I walk over to the wall and lean my back against it.

Haymitch closes the door and looks at me. I see the love in his eyes, the regret because of the pain he has just caused me, but also the joy like he, too, couldn't believe I am here, that I am back.

He jumps to me and I feel his demanding lips on mine again and I manage to forget. He is the only person I need to survive, I think when we kiss passionately and tear our clothes off in desire.

There he's there, entering me fast and hard and I can only moan his name in pleasure, occasionally say something like oh yes, or harder, or I love you.

When the tension is released, we both just stand there, by the wall, joined, breathing heavily, still not quite believing this is not a dream.

Only it wasn't because otherwise Peeta would be safe, I realize.

"Sweetheart," I hear Haymitch's husky voice in my ear, his breathing still erratic, "I thought I would lose you and all you care about is Peeta?"

I can feel that I hurt him and I am so sick of hurting and letting people down.

I grab his face and look him in the eye from up close, our lips almost touching.

"I love you and I am glad I got you back," I say to him.

"Thank god. I was worried you might've fallen for him."

"I care about him, that's all. I do because he's so different than we are and he deserves a better life."

"I know, sweetheart, and I am sorry, but there was really nothing I could do. I tried to convince Plutarch to look for him and Johanna a little longer, but we already had the Capitol on our tail."

"I understand," I find myself saying and I kiss him. "Wait…" I move back, "they have Johanna too?"

"Yes."

"So what? She tried to kill me."

"She didn't try to kill you, silly, she cut out your tracker so Snow wouldn't be able find you."

"Oh…" I understand and I realize there is one more person on my conscience. Johanna. She saved me after all and I wished her dead… maybe if that wish came true, it would be better for her. She must have been being tortured just like Peeta right now.

I break off into crying once again and I feel Haymitch taking me into his arms and carrying to bed. When I'm in it already, he pulls me close to his chest, his arms around me and he tries to give me as much comfort as he can.

But some things can't be made better even by his love to me.

So I weep in his arms. I weep for the home I lost. I weep for the father I once had before the mines had taken him away. I weep for little Rue. I weep for Peeta and Johanna. I even weep for all those people I killed in two arenas, even if they were trying to kill me.

I am broken.

But Haymitch is broken too.

Good thing we found each other…


	15. Chapter 15

**Part 15**

_Katniss POV_

I can't believe what I'm seeing as I walk the path of destruction, scattered with burnt remains.

My home, my district is just gone. Burnt to the ground.

When I come across a skeleton of a little baby I almost lose my balance and fall to the ground, but then a strong pair of hands hold me still and I let him put his arm around me.

I know how big a toll coming back here took on Haymitch, especially without a drink, so I am very grateful he decided to go with me.

I thought I needed to see this. I needed to make sure there was really nothing to come back to and then maybe I would finally agree to be the Mockinjay.

I got to 13 and saw my mother and Prim, but then I was swept into command centre where I met president Coin. She wanted me to say yes, but I couldn't, not just yet. Instead I asked for a possibility to come back home because I needed to see it one last time. She agreed, although reluctantly, and I was back in the hovercraft with Haymitch and Gale.

Gale stayed there. In the beginning I wanted to go alone, I felt like I needed to face it by myself. It turned out I am not as good as I thought I was. Maybe what they said back in 13's hospital was true, maybe I am a little mentally unstable. Who wouldn't after surviving two Hunger Games in a row? Even if the second didn't exactly come to an end, it was still hard for me. Losing Peeta, losing my home, losing every thing I was sure of except one, Haymitch's love.

That was why Haymitch decided to go with me.

I saw the look on his face and I see it now. It's still there. He is suffering just as much as I am when looking at what is left from our district.

One more thing we have in common.

Peeta's family is believed to be dead, I think as we walk toward what used to be my house. Now it's just ruins.

"The Victor's Village is untouched," I hear Haymitch and then I see his hand pointed in that direction.

"Let's go," I just say, "maybe there's something I can take with me."

It turns out I am right, because I barely walk into the house and I see Prim's cat, Buttercup. I put him into a bag, so he wouldn't scratch me. I'm sure Prim will be thrilled to have him back. I pick a few of my stuff and then I see Haymitch through the kitchen door. He's standing still, right by the table.

"Haymitch?" I ask and walk toward him. "Haymitch, are you alright?"

Then I see what he's staring at.

A single white rose that smells so strong it must be genetically altered. There is only one place it could come from.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

I see the rose and I'm afraid. Not for me, but for Katniss. We thought we outsmarted Snow, but he's still out there and it looks like he still wants Katniss.

"You think that's why he took Peeta?" Katniss comes closer and asks me. "Because he thought he would hurt me this way?"

"He did hurt you," I say, "it doesn't matter that Peeta is not the one you love. It still hurt you. And this…" I point the rose, "means that Snow wants you dead. He won't stop until you're executed."

"He won't get to me," Katniss tells me and takes my hand. "Haymitch, we're save." She stands right in front of me and looks me in the eye.

"No one's save, sweetheart, not ever," I just say and turn to the exit. "Have you got everything you need? Then let's go."

"I will say yes," I suddenly hear and I turn back to her.

"What?" I ask her.

"I will say yes to being the Mockinjay. I can't let Snow do this, not anymore. Peeta and Johanna are suffering right now, Cinna is dead and who knows who else! Have you heard from Effie? She might be dead too! I need to stop it! I want to kill Snow."

"Then you'll need to be smart," I say, not even trying to argue with her. I know better than to say no to her. If she wants to do this, I am all in. "You need to make a list of your demands in exchange for your becoming the Mockinjay. It's a job, Katniss, a very dangerous job. You deserve something back and killing Snow maybe number one on the list."

"I will think about it. Once it's done, I will tell Coin, but no sooner," she agrees. "Thanks, Haymitch."

"You're welcome, sweetheart. And now… what d'ya say we just go home?"

* * *

_Katniss POV_

When I come back and go with Haymitch and Gale to the level on which there is the command centre, I hear an argument.

It's my mum and a guy who's in charge of the settlement.

"What do you mean she requested it?! You've got to be kidding me! I am her mother and she has a sister! She will live with us in _our _compartment!"

"M'am… I have direct orders from…"

"Mum, what are you doing?" I ask her as we finally come closer to them. I'm afraid I already know what's this is about and I'm scared. She must have found out by now.

I notice Prim waiting around the corner. She hears it all anyway.

"You requested a room that you will share with Haymitch Abernathy?" my mum turns to me and asks me, her voice like poison. I see her eying Haymitch in a very unpleasant way. "Katniss, you must've lost your mind."

"That'll be all," I turn to the guy. "I wanted it and it will stay that way."

"Good. Less work for me!" And he is gone, murmuring something under his nose.

"Mum…" I turn to her now.

"You and _him_?!" Ok, I wasn't prepared for such an outburst. "You can't be serious, Katniss! You're just a girl and he… he is… like one of those men in the Hob! Is it like that? He kept you alive in the arena and now you…"

"No! Mum, of course not!"

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

How could have I not seen this coming? I think when I hear the obscenities Katniss's mother throws at my person.

And it hurts. Hurts a lot. It makes me question this relationship all over again. Can I just let Katniss go? Is her mother right?

"He's a drunk and a scarred victor!" I hear from Katniss's mum again.

"So am I," Katniss interrupts her, not losing her cold blood. "Can't you see it? Mum, Haymitch is not the man you think he is. He is different. He's… he's just like me."

"How can you say that?"

"I've been twice to the arena while he was there only once. I must be twice scarred than he is right now."

"But Katniss…"

"Mum, I understand your concern, I really do, but I will not stand by and listen to you insulting the love of my life. I am sorry you had to find out this way."

Suddenly, I feel Katniss reaching behind her, toward me and then she's holding my hand and making a step back.

"Katniss, maybe…" I start, feeling really awkward.

"No, it's fine," she says and traces circles with her thumb on my hand. Probably to show soothe me. "Mum, I'm not the person you knew either. You need to accept that I have changed. You saw me in the arena… it was hell and the only piece of heaven and peace I can get is when I'm with Haymitch."

"But…"

"Mum, Katniss looks happy when she's with him," Prim says while coming closer and Katniss seems to have no words now. "Just look at them together. They really do belong. I think you should just accept it and let it go. If that makes Katniss happy, then it should make you happy too."

I see Mrs. Everdeen shooting little Prim a very shocked look and then she just takes her hand and they leave.

"I'm sorry," Katniss says to me when we're alone as Gale disappeared in the Command Centre.

"It's fine. It was more lenient than I would imagine anyway. Sweetheart, are you su…"

"Of course. Stop saying this nonsense and let's go to our room… What? Did you really think it would go smoothly once people found out? Haymitch, you do seem to be a drunk and a weird person when looking at you from the outside, so please, don't be so offended. I don't want to hurt you, I just don't want to lie to you. I got to know you for who you really are after the first Games and then I fell for you. Give people a little time and they will accept you as well."

Of course she would never lie to me and I love her for this. I know she is right telling me all of those stuff.

"Fine. Let's just be happy whenever we can. Let's go check our room."

* * *

_Katniss POV_

He must be fucking kidding me! I think when I watch what everybody is watching right now - the interview with Peeta. In the Capitol!

He seems fine and for a moment I feel relieved. Maybe he managed to convince Snow that he had no idea about the breaking out of the arena thing and the rebellion.

Everything is fine and I seem to have hope for him until… he calls for a cease fire. He doesn't want war, he want peace. His argument is that the whole population will die out.

After the initial shock of seeing him alive and well, I can notice that he is actually well-groomed and pretty pampered. At least he looks like the Capitol is taking a really good care of him.

He even says that I had no idea of the rebellion and I am happy about that until he says I probably am the prisoner of the rebels from 13.

"What?!" I yell at the screen and then I feel Haymitch's hand on mine. He's trying to calm me down, but I am not sure I can be.

What the hell is Peeta doing?!

He's just colored himself a traitor in the eyes of every person here in 13.

"Why is he still doing this?!" I scream. "Is this his sick idea of keeping me alive?! It doesn't help anymore!"

"Katniss, calm down!" Haymitch tells me. "He's…"

"Don't say that he's in love!" I tell him. "I am sick of his love! I can take care of myself! And every time he does something for me because of love… " I stop for a moment and I shake my head, "it just makes me feel like I owe him more and more."

"Don't you think there's a possibility that they brainwashed him?" Haymitch asks the perfect question. "He is acting out of character."

"Then it's my fault. Again."

The interview is over and when I walk the corridors of 13 I am very aware of the hatred those people have already groomed toward Peeta.

Then an perfect solution comes to my mind.

"We need to go to Command Centre," I tell Haymitch and he follows me without questions.

* * *

"I want an immunity for the remaining victors," I say loud and clear in front of Coin and few other people in the room, including Plutarch Heavensbee. "I want immunity for Peeta, Johanna, Annie… even Enobaria," I add because I know she survived the Games as well. "I want Buttercup, my sister's cat, to be able to stay here," I say after thinking. It probably seems trivial to Coin, but Prim would be devastated if something happened to that little monster. "And I want to kill Snow," I finish.

"It might be wise to ask for announcing this publicly," Haymitch whispers into my ear, so I repeat it after him. He is right. I have no guarantee that Coin will not let me down.

"Fine," she says, not really happy about me killing Snow or announcing it in public, but she says yes and I am the Mockinjay.

It's then when I break again.

They give me one thing that was left for me by Cinna. His sketchbook. It turns out that before he died he'd designed a war suit for me. He predicted everything… I realize and I cry.

Haymitch put his arms around me as I weep.

"We need to tell people she lost the baby," I hear somebody proposing.

"No, we need to tell them the truth!" Plutarch contradicts. "Why do you think people hate the Capitol? Because of the Hunger Games. Because of Snow's regime. And…" he stops for a moment, "because of his lies. What if we stop lying? What if, for once, we tell the truth?"

"It's very risky, Plutarch, but I like it," Coin speaks. "What kind of truth do you want us to tell?"

"Let's make them realize there was no baby. In fact, let's tell them _everything. _Let's tell them that Katniss and Peeta were never lovers, that Snow told them to act like that and then he forced them to lie to the whole Panem to cover his dirty deeds. Let's show the world who Katniss really loves."

Every eye in the room is now set on Haymitch holding me.

I don't say no. If they want me to tell the truth, I'm all in. I'm sick of pretending to be with Peeta and sick of pretending to be pregnant, so for once, I can do this.

And frankly, I don't even care what they want to say to Panem. I just want Snow to die.


	16. Chapter 16

**Part 16**

_Katniss POV_

I am still shaken and I don't think I will be able to forget _this one _anytime soon.

They said the time I spent in the arena took a toll on my mental health, but still, I hate excuses. Every since I came back, ever since I found out my home was gone… I've been feeling broken, shattered into million pieces. The only time I don't is when I'm with Haymitch. Only I hate myself for being so weak, for snapping almost every day. Why can't they just let us be? Oh, because I pulled out those berries, I remember. All my fault. Mine and only mine. Forever mine.

Today, I found my prep team imprisoned, laying in their own urine and filth.

I've seen many horrible things so far. I've seen people starving to death while in Capitol they were throwing out to be able to eat more. I've seen children dying in the arena. I've seen people suffering. This is one more thing that hurts me. And it hurts me even more because it wasn't Snow that did this to my prep team, it was Coin. The president I am supposed to fight for. I'm Coin's Mockinjay, I signed up to help her and I get _this _in return?

They stole bread. _Bread. Food. _I understand why. They were used to eating much in the Capitol and they didn't understand that here they could only eat in the canteen and only as much as they were given. If no one explained this properly to them, why would they lock them up like that?

I told Plutarch to free them and then I led them straight to my mother in the hospital. I couldn't trust no one else with them.

Her pale face still haunts me as she saw me, so shaken. Again. And then she saw my prep team.

To my astonishment, she turned to Haymitch and told him to take me out of there.

"One good thing that came out of this…" I suddenly find myself saying, "is that I think my mum is finally starting to accept you."

"Katniss…" Haymitch says, drawing little circles with his hands on my back, trying to calm me down.

"Uh oh, you say my name and I know you're too serious," I notice. "Stop treating me like I'm a wounded animal or something."

"But you are. I am too," he tells me when I stand up and just pace across the room. There is not even a window I could look out from.

"Coil is no better than Snow," I say, folding my arms. "We're just in the new improved version of the Capitol."

"I know, but we didn't really have a choice. I didn't have a choice," he tells me and stands up too, coming to me and putting his hands on my arms. "It was join them or let you die in that arena."

"I don't blame you," I assure him. "I should thank you for saving my life. I just… I know we had no choice, but it still pains me that we seem to be under another regime. What will come next? We either win or lose the war. It's Snow or Coin, isn't it?"

"I think we should focus on our survival, that's it."

"Yeah…" I sigh. "But I need to be their Mockinjay."

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

It's ridiculous that they actually try to dress Katniss as a bird and fan some smoke to make a commercial. It's so stupid I want to laugh. I know no one will buy it, so I say, "This, is how revolution dies." Then I suggest they should let Katniss be just that - Katniss.

Fortunately, they seem to see it too and they decide to make some video when sending Katniss into combat. I don't know what to think of this one. I'm scared that something might happen for her.

Then I hear she wants to go, so I have no choice but to go too. They say they will put me as an operator and I will tell Katniss what to do through her earpiece while being in hovercraft myself. I don't entirely like the idea of her being down there and me sitting safely in the cockpit, but it's better than not being there at all.

* * *

Soon, we're in District 8 and Katniss is supposed to be followed by a camera as she's visiting the hospital.

I know it will be a horrible experience for her. One more to the pile of trauma. I know that every time she sees something horrible it eats up on her.

It influences me too, but she is the one who directly has contact with all those people. Because of her the revolution and then the war started. I can only imagine how she must feel.

"Are you ok, sweetheart?" I ask her and watch her on the monitor. The camera crew is following her every step and Gale is down there with her too. It was a great relief to hear she would have someone to keep her safe after all.

"Yes, I think I am," I hear her.

"Ready for a show?"

"I think so."

* * *

_Katniss POV_

"Ok, Katniss, here" the camera man says when he positions himself.

They're filming me in my Mockinjay suit with my new super bow.

"My name is Katniss Everdeen and I'm in District Eight right now. I want to tell you that I'm fighting and I'm fighting against The Capitol and Snow's regime. They have been filling your heads with lies for years now. Everything that you heard coming from Peeta Mallarick's mouth so far… is a lie too. Lies on top of lies. I wasn't taken a prisoner, I joined the rebels' side willingly because it's the only way. We have to stop the Capitol from taking our children every year and killing them. We need to become a better race of humankind. If we don't… well, what's the point in living when we live as monsters? Peeta said that we will kill each other and die out, but isn't that scenario better than becoming bloodthirsty animals? I say we fight!" I have no idea where that words have come from. It seems like Haymitch was right. When I am in the right place I can say something good on the spur of the moment. Maybe I'm still not as a great a speaker as Peeta, but given the right push I can get somewhere on my own.

I see the camera man sending me strange signals and then I get it. I forgot about something.

"You want to know the truth about me?" I ask to the camera again. "You were given a story of star-crossed lovers, so you would have something to be occupied with while Snow was killing innocent people in the Districts who stood up against him. I was a witness of such a murder. An old man raising his hand with two bent fingers to me in honor of Rue, the tribute that died in my first Games in front of my eyes. They killed him for it. Then they planned a false wedding to occupy the people of Capitol with stupid contest and wedding dresses, and to make the people in Districts hate me. The truth is I and Peeta were never together. We did not fall in love. We did not get married. And we certainly did not conceive a child. It's all a lie. In fact, I am in love, but with someone else." I feel like I need to stop right here. What is the point of revealing that it's Haymitch if I have already told the whole Panem the important stuff?

The cameraman is still waving at me.

"Won't you tell them who that lucky man is, Katniss?" I hear from aside.

Why are they doing this to me? Maybe Coin wants to tell the truth, so she would turn out to be the opposite of Snow, but now I feel like I'm being used again. Another distraction. Another secret to be revealed.

Somebody pokes me and I say it, "My mentor, Haymitch Abernathy, although I don't see how my private life should be of your concern. You know what really matters? This war! We need to stop the Capitol from doing this!" I point the hospital in the background and then I just walk toward it. I have no words left. Nothing else to say.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

When I get her back, when she gets back into the hovercraft, I know that once again, something was stripped away from her. Another tragedy she has just witnessed. Another burden to carry. Another toll.

"Sweetheart?" I say to her as she just sits in the back and hides her face in her hands. There's blood what indicates she's wounded, but it's like she's in shock and doesn't feel it yet. "Sweetheart?" I raise myself from my seat. I can't even be angry at her right now that she threw the earpiece away when I started giving her orders.

"They all died… because of me, Haymitch," I hear her sobbing. "I can't take it anymore."

"This is war, sweetheart, it's only common to watch people die," I say as I take her into my arms again.

"But… but… those were wounded… people… and children… and seeing me… they were so happy… I finally felt like I was doing something that mattered. Like being the Mockinjay was giving them the necessary hope to survive… they forgot about their own pain when I was there… and then… then… Snow sent his hovercrafts and bombed them all!"

"Well, you took down some as well. That was good."

"It didn't bring them back. Nothing ever will."

She is right. I know she is. And I can't do anything to make her better.

I feel just as powerless as I was when she was thrown in the Games. I can't protect her from everything.

"We need to get you to a hospital," I say.

She doesn't answer. It really is like she's numb.

As we fly back home, I realize I'm still a little shaken.

When the explosion hit I was so terrified that she was dead that all I could do was to yell at her, ask for any sign of her still breathing.

Then I heard her screaming, "I'm ok! I'm here! I'm alive! It's fine, Haymitch!"

One moment everything that was dear to me was stripped away and then I got it back.

I'm not sure I will let her to go on another mission. I will not be able to.

* * *

When we get back I take her into my arms, even though I hear her protesting, and I carry her myself to the hospital. Again. On the way she drifts off.

"What the hell happened?!" Her mother looks at us, terrified as much as I was during the explosion in 8. "You were supposed to be protecting her!" she snaps at me and I feel like I'm in a doghouse again.

"She threw away the earpiece and did what she wanted! She acted like she always does! There was nothing I could do and believe me, I wanted to!" I yell at her too and she stares at me, a little surprised that I even dare.

Then Mrs. Everdeen closes her eyes for a moment and when she opens them, she is a nurse again.

"Put her here. Quickly… now wait outside! I'll call you when I'm done!"

* * *

After an hour that seemed like a whole eternity, she comes back for me and I am already on my feet, asking for Katniss.

"She'll be fine. She just needs to stay in bed for a few days, maybe more," her mother says. "And… I'm sorry," she suddenly tells me. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that."

"It's fine. She's your daughter and she's with me. It's understandable of a parent to be protective."

"That's just it… I never really protected her," she confesses. "When my husband died I retreated, closed myself off for everything. It's hard for me to admit this, but… I didn't care. I didn't ever care about Prim. Katniss was the one who went out and started bringing us food. Without her… we would've starved and I… I hate myself for the kind of mother I was."

"Katniss never blamed you. She understood and did the best she could," I assure her, feeling a little awkward.

"Yes," she admits, "I should've seen it… I should've seen she wasn't like other girls. She never was. She is much older than her age… And… one more thing… I couldn't protect her, but I finally understand that you have."

I look at her, not really getting the point. I haven't protected her enough today, I think.

"You saved her in the arena. You made it possible for her to win. You pulled her out of the second one and you're still here for her. You've always been, haven't you?"

"Yes," I say, my voice a little horse. "Mrs. Everdeen, you don't have to…"

"Oh, I do. I want you to know that even though it's still hard for me to see you with my daughter, I know she loves you. It's all over her face and yours too. I know you will do anything in your power to keep her alive. I will not stand in a way of your relationship anymore."

"Thank you, Mrs. Everdeen, it really means a lot to me."

"Just don't touch any alcohol anymore, alright?" she asks me. "I don't want my daughter having to deal with a drunk."

"I will not, this one I have already promised Katniss."

"Good, now you can go see her."

* * *

I know nothing but days of just sitting by her side and holding her hand.

She wakes up but then she is so tired that she falls asleep again.

It's good, I think, sleep is good for her. It will help her heal faster.

Once she is sleeping and I'm not there, thrown out by Prim herself. She told me I should go take a shower and eat something, Katniss would want me to. So I listened.

I come back to Katniss screaming as a nightmare hits her.

"Sweetheart, ssshhh…. I'm here, I'm here," I have to whisper to her ear and gently wake her up.

Since that moment I never leave her side when she's sleeping.

I am silently praying that she will not try to do that again, to fight. It's too dangerous. She should leave it for soldiers. She is too precious to me as we've already overcome so much…


	17. Chapter 17

**AN **Don't you like where this is going anymore? I'm just asking because with every chapter I get less and less comments. Although I am pretty sure this one will change things because… no, I will not spoil this for you ;p Just read.

* * *

**Part 17**

_Katniss POV_

I'm feeling much better now, at least physically, although I'm still in the hospital. Haymitch is here with me all the time too. I have already told him to go to our room to sleep in an actual bed, but he never leaves my side. It's actually sweet of him. I think that our relationship was never stronger. Once my mother stopped scowling at him every time she saw him, everything became much brighter. I'm still in pain as I remember what I have witnessed, but the fact that I and Haymitch are safe for now and that there is no imminent danger to our lives as it was because of the Games, makes me feel like we have a chance. A chance that is growing stronger with every passing day.

Beetee came up with a great idea as to make propos about the dead tributes and show them to every District, and, maybe, to the Capitol. He's still working on breaking through to their television.

I know that sooner or later the brutal reality of war will have to catch up with me again and I guess it's sooner.

The Capitol is interviewing Peeta again and we can watch it live.

He's changed, I think with a pang a guilt. Recently I don't get to have a respite in that feeling and I guess I will have to get used to it eventually.

Flickerman asks Peeta, "So, do you have something to say to Katniss Everdeen, Peeta? What do you think of her betrayal? What more, she betrayed you with your mentor, a much older man than yourself. You can't tell me that from your side the star-crossed lovers strategy was fake too, can you? I believe you genuinely loved her."

"I do have something to say, in fact…" Peeta stops as he was struggling with himself and it looks weird.

I frown as I try to decipher what is this behavior prompted by.

"I do have something to say to Katniss…" Peeta turns to the camera, "you will be dead by morning."

His blood splashes the screen and the feed is cut.

I scream.

* * *

I am completely numb as Haymitch tells me that Peeta must have been tortured, so he acted like he did before.

He has just saved my life. No. That's not right. He has done much more. He has saved all of 13. All of us.

I barely register what's happening around me as I'm thrown out of my bed and told that there is a security drill.

Level 5.

I need to go down to level 5. We are all going underground, so we could survive any attack from air.

Or to be buried down there, I think and shiver. It would be such a cliché.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

"Katniss, sweetheart, we need to go," I push Katniss gently toward the door and then lead her to level 5. She seems to be out of it completely like one more blood spilling is just too much for her, like it finally causes her to break.

She is better when we find ourselves in 5 and go to a place appointed to us.

Soon we see Katniss's mother, but… no Prim.

"Where's Prim?!" Katniss finally wakes up, the matter of safety of her sister brings her back. "Mum, where's Prim?!"

"She left long before me… I told her to go straight here…"

One moment Katniss is here and the next she is gone. I try to follow her, but I lose her pretty soon. I know where she went though, so I go to the main door.

It is just about to being sealed, but Katniss stops the people of 13 and calls for her sister.

I stand there, not knowing what to do. I can't possibly tell her to calm down or to step down because what would happened to her without Prim? Even I wouldn't be enough to bring her back.

I can release a breath I don't even know I was holding when Prim and Gale squeeze through the half locked door. She's holding her cat.

"Of course you came back for him!" Katniss rolls her eyes. "Prim, it wasn't safe!"

"I couldn't just leave him. He's afraid, just look at him."

Of course, Katniss doesn't care about the cat even if Prim is right.

"Just don't do this again, ok?... Thank you," she turns to Gale.

For once I couldn't do for Katniss what Prim could, I think and a chill runs through me. What if we come pass the point in which I actually can help? I can't stand her suffering like this, but there is nothing I can do. I hate this feeling.

"Let's come back to our place," I say and gently nudge her toward it.

She just nods.

* * *

Mrs. Everdeen is soon called to a medical unit and we are left alone with Prim. I also feel free to finally pull Katniss closer to myself, a thing I wasn't comfortable doing with her mm around, even if she finally accepted me.

Suddenly, we find ourselves in bizarre position. Katniss snuggles into my chest and I put an arm around her and Prim snuggles into Katniss. We stay like that and I feel my throat tightening because I feel like I had a family.

I feel Katniss looking at me, so I look at her too. I understand what she's trying to say without actual words.

We both feel like we were Prim's actual parents and it hurts. I would like nothing more than to start my own family with Katniss, but we are at war. Even if the Hunger Games will turn out to be over… there's still so much to lose in the battle.

"Haymitch," Katniss suddenly speaks, "if we survive…" she starts, but I interrupt her.

"Sweetheart, save it until we do survive, ok?"

"Alright," she just sighs and snuggles up even more into me.

* * *

When the bombing ends and we can finally go out, Katniss comes back to herself from the hospital. She's almost hysteric as she's feeling so guilty. Guilty about Peeta.

"I never asked him to do all of this for me! Why is he still doing it?! Why, Haymitch?!"

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but it looks like he still cares about you. He always have."

"This is even worse then, because I can't give him what he would like from me. I can't even live with myself."

"Sure you can. I've lived for many years with terrible guilt. Guilt because my luck in the arena resulted in the death of my whole family."

She looks me in the eye with her glassy ones and then she kisses me, trying to take the pain away. I do the same for her, but I'm not sure whether it works.

I decide there is only one way to make her better.

We need to get Peeta out. We can also use the occasion and try getting Annie out for Finnick because he seems to be ten times worse than Katniss herself.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I needed to be sedated again because I was making too much noise.

When I come to, Finnick seats by my side.

"Finnick," I frown, "what are you doing here? Where's…"

"They went to save Peeta," he says, "and Annie. I can't be on my own right now, so I decided to keep you company."

"Wait… wait…" I say and sit on my bed, trying to wrap my mind around it all. "What did you just say? Haymitch went where?!"

"To save Peeta. To the Capitol."

"And they let him?! What…" I'm just sitting here in total shock. He didn't… I think. How could he leave me here and go by himself?!

"They needed as many people that know the Capitol as they could get," Finnick explains. "They didn't take me for obvious reasons."

"So they took Haymitch?!"

"Gale's with him."

"Oh, like that's gonna help!" I start biting my nails because of my anguish. I feel something bad hanging in the air and I push it away. I can't think like that now. Haymitch will come back to me. He has to.

To occupy us and to create a distraction in the Capitol, the camera crew comes to the hospital to make another video of me that will be transmitted life to the Capitol. Beetee seems to finally have cracked their security.

What is surprising is that Finnick steals the spotlight from me while telling people about all the secrets from the Capitol, including Snow's.

I don't mind really, I hate cameras anyway and I'm too scared to even think of what to say. Haymitch… No, I force myself not to think of him.

But I can't! What the hell was _he _thinking?! Then it hits me. He hated to see the look on my face every time I saw Peeta on television. It pained him to see me in pain. I would do the same for him if the situation was reversed. Still… I want him back and I want him back safe and sound.

"They should've been back by now…" The camera is off and the crew starts to worry.

I come back to chewing my nails.

"Here," Finnick gives me his piece of rope. "You can make knots on it. It helps me calm down."

I remember seeing him everywhere with it, so I accept it with gratitude and it does help. Although my fingers will soon start to bleed as I put too much strength into what I'm doing.

Finally, after about another hour, I hear some commotion in the hall and I want to go out of bed, but they won't let me.

Then Gale steps into the hospital and walks straight to me. He is wounded.

"Gale…" I start, seeing that something is terribly wrong. "Gale, where's Haymitch?" I ask, my voice trembling.

"We've got Peeta, Annie and Johanna back," Gale informs me, "but… I'm sorry, Katniss, we've lost Haymitch. Snow has him now."

I find myself lunching at Gale in fury and then somebody pulls me away from him and I feel a needle being stuck into my arm.


	18. Chapter 18

**AN1 **I hope you calmed down a little by now. Sorry, I wasn't able to update yesterday as I came home very late. Now, I think I will be able to write something every day because it's Christmas time and less things to do. At least on my university: )

**AN2 Answer to Guest: ** Haymitch is my favorite character too and I would never kill him.

* * *

**Part 18**

_Katniss POV_

_Save it… Save it when we do survive, _those words echoing in my head on and on and it doesn't seem to stop anytime soon. What I would give now to be able to let him say what he wanted. I know what it was but still, I would like to hear it. Now I might never get the chance.

When I wake up I realize I'm back in my room. Back in mine and _his _room, but I'm the only person here now. All alone.

Someone must have taken me here when I was out.

I just lie on my back, awake, numb, staring at the ceiling.

I thought I was in too much pain already, but now it's much worse. Maybe it's right what they say that it can always get worse. Worse and worse… is there any limit before your mind gives up? Before you actually go crazy? Will it ever get better for me?

Not without him, I think. Not without Haymitch. It will never be.

I miss him. I wish I told him I loved him more often. I wish I kissed him every minute. I wish I didn't retreat to my own painful world as I did. I wish I wasn't going through any breakdown before, so I could spend that time with him. Not the way it really was. Not with him by my bedside when I was so tired or so hurt that I couldn't even stay awake.

It hurts. Hurts so much and I know I will never get used to it. I will never get used to guilt and this pain. No pill will ever cure it. It can be dulled, but then the alcohol or the morphling will run out and I will be left broken. Broken soul in a broken body.

Maybe I should do it after all. If I don't get Haymitch back I can become a morphling and then die.

I miss him calling me sweetheart. I should have woken up this morning with him by my side. With his longish blond hair mixing with mine, with his fresh stubble irritating my cheeks when I would have kissed him.

It's all gone now.

I am left with nothing.

I refuse to think what he must have been being going through right now.

There is a knocking on my door and then when I don't say anything, somebody goes in anyway.

I have this silly hope that it might be Haymitch, but it is impossible.

It's Gale.

I vaguely remember he was hurt the other… how long was I out exactly?

"How are you feeling?" he is the one to ask me this and I feel guilty once again. This time because I don't seem to take any interest in his health. Does he think I would prefer him to be gone instead of Haymitch? Of course, he doesn't. He must know that I would like to have everyone I care about safe with me.

I don't answer. I just keep staring at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, Katniss," he speaks again and makes the last few steps toward the bed, then sits on the edge of it. "We were stupid. I was stupid.

"Snow made me a piece in his own private game once again," I finally say, realizing it.

"Yes, he did," Gale admits. "He played you. Even though you didn't have romantic feelings for Peeta, he played you, so you would feel guilty and we would come to save him… Katniss…" he starts again and then stops for a moment.

I finally look at him like I felt that he is about to say something important and hard.

"Haymitch was the target," he finally confesses. "We were so stupid… the prisoners we rescued… they weren't even that heavy guarded. It was almost… too easy," he sighs. "They were waiting and they took Haymitch. Only him."

"It's my fault. All of this is my fault!" I realize again and sit on the bed, tears streaming down my face.

I can't stand it anymore. Whatever I do, someone I love gets hurt. I'm sick of it and maybe I should just kill myself to make it stop.

"I was the one to told the whole Panem that I loved Haymitch!... " Suddenly, something else comes to my mind. "Only… I didn't want to! Coin made me do it! That…" I am so angry I am shaking. "He would've been safe if I hadn't said anything! She made me tell the truth! She used me too! Everyone's using me!"

"Katniss… her strategy was a good one. None of us could know…"

"Bullshit!" I scream. "Bullshit! I'm done listening to her!"

"Katnip…"

"Stop that!" I yell at him, stand up and then close my eyes. I must look like I was crazy, I think. Who knows… maybe I am. "I need to go to the Capitol and safe him."

"Katniss, they'll kill you."

"Then I will die! I have nothing to live for anyway!"

"What about Prim? Your mother?!" Gale raises his voice and then stands right by me and puts his hands on my arms. "They need you!"

"I need _him_!"

He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath.

"If you want to get him back, you need to be smart about it."

"What do you mean?"

"There is only one district left to surrender," he tells me. "District 2. When it's taken, the last stop is the Capitol. You can become a soldier. That's the only way to get in there and have a chance to get out."

"How long that would take?" I ask.

"I don't know, but it's your only choice."

I look at him and I decide to be strong. One last time. For one last person. For the most important one.

I will do whatever it takes to get there and to get Haymitch back. Till that time I will stay strong. Time for another breakdown will come if I don't succeed…

* * *

I expected many things from my meeting with Peeta, but I wasn't prepared for _this._

As soon as he saw me, he launched at me, trying to strangle me.

I want to start training to be a soldier and he injures me. I want to howl.

Only it's not even the worst thing.

Now I hear Snow did something to him. Something that is called highjacking.

"Katniss, we will do anything in our power to make him whole again," I hear from Plutarch.

"Is there a cure? Is there at least some hope?" I ask because I know what the trackerjackers' venom is like. I experienced it. Just once in a small dosage, but it was enough for my whole lifetime as it was so horrible it brought terrible visions on me. Visions of my father being blown to pieces, of loneliness, of Peeta wanting to kill me in the arena…

"No, but no one ever tried it. We're groping in the dark," I hear in answer.

Then I find myself thinking hard. I know I will eventually say it, ask for it, but yet, I seem to be hesitating. Why? Maybe I'm selfish. Even though I never loved Peeta, I did and I still do care about him. I may even say I love him like a brother, but I'm sure he wouldn't like it.

What happened to him was because of me. Snow did this to punish me, only he didn't know he had the wrong person. Now, that he does have the right one, will he do it again? I shiver on the very thought of it. I will not bare seeing Haymitch like that… Haymitch trying to kill me… Haymitch not remembering how much I mean to him…

I force this picture out of my head. Why would Snow do it to Haymitch? If we have Peeta back, we can come up with an antidote and then Snow would fail. I just hope he realizes it.

"Katniss?" Plutarch's voice brings me back to reality and I look at him. "Katniss, what is it?"

"I…" I finally say it, "I don't want you to bring Peeta back."

"What?!"

"I mean…" I correct myself fast. "I do, but… I don't want him to remember that he loved me."

"I don't understand, Katniss."

"Peeta did what he did for me and I am sick of people caring about me and dying for me," I say firmly, remembering Cinna and even the old man in District 11 who was shot because he showed me a sign of farewell, of last goodbye, of respect. "I want Peeta to come back to normal and I want him to know who I am… but I want him to think that the star-crossed lovers thing was… fake. For me as well as for him. He doesn't love me now. He thinks he has reasons to hate me. I say it will be better for him if he doesn't remember his feelings for me and for what he… did love me," I change the tense, because obviously, Peeta is not in love with me right now. "It will just bring him more pain. I want him to be my friend, but if he wants to hate me, I'm fine with it. Is that ok? Can you do this or you think I have no right to take that love away from him?"

"No, Katniss," Gale suddenly speaks, "I think it's the best thing you could give him when… you're obviously in love with someone else."

"Fine, then I'll say a word to the medics that are taking care of him," Plutarch says. "What else do you propose, Katniss?"

"I want to be a soldier. I want to go to Capitol to kill Snow and get Haymitch back."

"Hmm… with this you need to speak to Coin directly, but I've got to tell you, it won't be easy to persuade her."

"I will do _anything_ to make it to the Capitol, Plutarch, and face it, you all need me. The war is not over, you still need the Mockinjay."

* * *

This night I come back to the empty room. Just like I left it in the morning, I think and sit on the bed.

I look around and it hits me then. There is nothing here that Haymitch left behind. He had nothing to leave in the first place.

Not even a bottle. Nothing personal I could have and it makes me want to cry again.

I tell myself to be strong. I managed to convince Coil to give me a chance and I need to start training tomorrow, but I'm fine with it. As long as it takes me somewhere.

I saw Finnick and I met Annie, they are so in love it hurts me to look at them, but I am happy for him. It was painful to see him so broken and lost for so long and now it's like the light came back to his life.

Will my light ever come back?

I also saw Johanna and she wants to fight too. We are assigned to the same training program, but I don't know if she makes it. She was tortured, her head shaved, now she's shaken and hooked on morphling. I feel so bad for her. One more person ready to die for the revolution, ready to die for me.

"Katniss?" The door opens and I see my little sister. Well, maybe not so little. The war seems to change her. She is more mature now and it pains me also, because she should have still been a child, yet, she is a young woman. What that makes me? I think it makes me ancient.

"Prim, what are you doing here?" I ask her.

"I didn't want you to be lonely," she says and climbs to bed with me.

I put my arms around her and just enjoy her company.

"You know… he isn't dead," Prim says.

"What?" I ask, pulling away and looking at her.

"Haymitch, he is not dead. They know how much you care about him, Katniss, so they won't kill him."

"So what are they doing?" I ask with dread.

"Whatever they can to break you."

_Whatever they can to break me_, I repeat in my thoughts.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

There was pain and then more pain.

Kick. Sharp razor. Chains.

Darkness.

_Katniss, sweetheart, _is all I say and see in my head. I tell myself I need to get through this for her. For she won't survive without me.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN **Thank you,** Katherine, **for expressing your opinion on the comment that Katniss not wanting to live on without Haymitch is unrealistic because she has Prim.

Well, I wanted to reflect real love in the previous chapter. When someone you love is hurt, at first you think your whole life is over and you have nothing to live for, then comes a time when you actually find a new purpose, but the process is very long and tedious. Katniss in the original book felt the same way even when Prim was alive. She wanted to go kill Snow and didn't care if she would die herself.

* * *

**Part 19**

_Katniss POV_

I don't feel anything, I think when I watch Finnick and Annie dancing as they have just gotten married.

Maybe I am so worn out by my grieving and all the emotions overload that never seems to end that I can't feel anything anymore.

I did feel a pang in my heart when I watched them kissing what sealed their marriage. I wish I could do this with Haymitch. I wish we did think of this when he was still with me. We could just get married. I didn't keep my virginity till my wedding night because I thought I had bigger problems on my mind, but still… marriage isn't just about this part. It's about commitment. Haymitch knew I loved him, but I would feel better if we actually did get married in front of everyone. Instead, I had to announce publicly that I was in love in with and it all backfired.

Annie and Finnick's wedding is perfect, I think, I would be lucky to have something like this. It isn't drastically cheap as back in 12, also not as extravagant as it would be in the Capitol. Just… perfect. Modest. Honest.

This stirs something inside of me again and I think it's better to be numb than to feel this pain.

I retreat. I need to keep training.

What is surprising is that I'm actually growing attached to Johanna. Naturally, we have to train in the same unit as we're beginners. I feel close to her in a way that I wasn't before. She was there, held captive in the Capitol and she survived. She is broken and a shadow of the girl I once knew, but she's still here. Also, I know she would never lie to me because there is no point. Gale keeps telling me that Haymitch will be ok, that they won't hurt him badly, but it is a lie after a lie. I know he's doing this for me, to make me feel better, but I know the truth. Johanna is dead honest with me. She told me what they did to her. They shaved her hair, kept her in a cell in cold, tortured her while getting her wet and electrocuting her…

Maybe I have to hear it, I think, even though that sometimes something breaks through that numbness and it hurts. I need to hear it to work harder, to try harder. To be a soldier and to go to the Capitol.

* * *

A lot have suddenly happened after almost two quiet weeks.

First, I find out about the defeat of District 2 and I manage to feel something else than pain. I feel hope. I want to act. I want to fight. I'm determined to make it. I need to kill Snow and look for Haymitch and those are the only things I need to be worried about as Prim and my mother will be safe in 13.

Only then my enthusiasm is extinguished by a new video released by the Capitol.

I see Haymitch and I still. Everything around me disappears and I can only watch this dreadful image as my blood is boiling from rage at Snow and my heart is breaking.

Haymitch is tied up to a chair, but I can't see his face as the camera is focused on his chest. Only I don't need any other proof. I see the scar across his stomach and I know.

This is a message for me, no one else but me, I realize. Maybe the rest thinks is just to show them what Capitol do to the traitors, but I know better.

There is no blood on Haymitch's chest, but I see multiple bruises like he was being regularly beaten.

I see him breathing heavily and I pray he would hold on long enough for me to come for him… if he's still alive, I suddenly realize and another chill runs through my back. This video might have been make a long time ago.

The screen goes black and I see white letters forming into: Katniss Everdeen = Cheater.

It's too much. I can't stand it.

Coil told the Panem the truth, but Snow turned it all around and made me a betrayal, colored me as I was cheating on Peeta with Haymitch.

The pain in my heart is soon replaced by rage. Rage I have never felt before. Rage that makes my vision go white.

I remember all the nights I spent with Haymitch, his arms around me, just holding me, stopping the nightmares. Then I remember him making love to me, making me feel so alive, so loved. He was so tender, but when I wanted him to be rough, he was rough. He was passionate and I love him so much…

I can't let him go. I also can't let Snow live.

"I want to go to the Capitol. NOW," I suddenly realize I'm in the Command Centre. I don't even know how I got here.

"Well, Ms. Everdeen, perfect timing," Coin says on seeing me and I am dumfounded. "We were just about to tell you that your evaluation will be tomorrow morning. You pass, you can go to the Capitol."

* * *

Tomorrow suddenly seemed like a year, but I made it. I waited and it's finally here.

I am already over my test. There was a catch, prepared especially for me, I can tell, but I recognized it and I passed.

Now I am waiting for Johanna to come back. I want to hear that she can go with me too.

Instead I find out she's back at the hospital.

* * *

Water.

She didn't pass her evaluation because they flooded the arena with water.

I find it cruel. They know Johanna was tortured like that. Do they expect that there will be water in the Capitol? Why did they even let her train for this if they knew she was mentally unstable?

Only I was too. They said so and yet, I am going. Maybe they wouldn't let me if I wasn't the Mockinjay. I already know they want me in a star unit, so they could use me for their videos again.

I guess I will figure a way to get out of that one when I'm there.

"Johanna?" I ask her as I approach her bed. "Johanna, are you alright?"

She is tired and hooked on morphling again. I see how much weight she has lost even though she was feeding properly for training.

She turns her face to me and her eyes are very distant. She is in her morphling, pain free world right now, I think, but she manages to ask me, "Can you go?"

"Yes," I answer. "Yes, I'm leaving soon."

"Do one thing for me, will you?"

"What?"

"Take him back, Katniss," she says, urgency in her eyes and her voice and she grabs my wrist. "Take Haymitch back and show to us all that there is still something like happy ending in this world. Please, Katniss, you need to do this."

"I will do my best or I will die trying," I promise her and then I leave her, stunned.

I don't know how it happened and when exactly, but I consider Johanna Manson one of my closest friends now.

* * *

As I prepare myself to leave for the Capitol I promise that I will either get Haymitch back or revenge him. Of course, I will also kill Snow. This is my goal now and I will not cry or break till the job is done.

I need to be strong.


	20. Chapter 20

**Part 20**

_Snow's POV_

"Catch her," I say. "She's here, I can feel it. Catch her and let her watch him die."

"The building exploded… she was inside…"

"Did you retrieve a body? Exactly. I'm telling you, she is alive and she is looking for someone. You need to make sure she doesn't get to him before you get to her. Then kill him."

"Yes, Mr. president."

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I have a moment of respite and a list of dead people appears before my eyes. Boggs. Dead. Finnick. Dead.

I need to go on. I can't give up now. I just can't… I'm trying not to think about the fact that everyone is dying around me and I push aside all those who have already died because of me. _Again._

It was their choice to go, but still, I feel guilty and it never goes away.

But I'm here. In the Capitol. I'm only steps from the presidential mansion and now I need to make a decision where to go first.

Coin sent Peeta with us, probably because she wanted me dead. She couldn't foresee one thing though, that Peeta would actually refuse to kill me. He is getting better, but he still isn't the same boy I knew. Everything he knows about me is a lie, distorted memories provided by the Capitol's torturers. Only he trusts the people around him that are telling him that I am a good person (well, I could argue about that one) and Snow is the evil one.

It was Peeta who told me where to look. It was Peeta that drew me a map.

He isn't here with me now and I can only hope he is not dead. Especially, when he saved me again. He was there in the dungeons, locked up in a cell and he knows the way.

For the first time I really let myself believe I can get there in time. That I can save Haymitch.

The decision has been made. Snow will have to wait. It doesn't matter how much I hate him and want him dead, love is more important to me than destruction.

I close my eyes, feeling the upcoming pain again. I still don't let myself believe what I have seen through all my journey here. I can't stop saying the names in my mind, but I also fight hard not to break. Time for grief will come later. Now I need to be strong.

Boggs. Dead. Finnick. Dead. And I add something. Peeta. Gone. Gale. Gone.

Both Peeta and Gale disappeared from my eyes as we were parted by the crowd shuffling toward the Capitol.

I start shaking and I close my eyes. Breath in, breath out.

I stand up and go toward the right side of the presidential mansion where, as Peeta promised, I would find a door, door leading to the dungeons. He also told me there is another way, from inside the palace, but the first one is better. There should be a force field on the door and a special lock with a code and eye scan, but I have already sent a request to Beetee to open it. Coil doesn't know, but I think Beetee will not betray me. He knows what I want to do and he is on my side on this.

I'm almost there when I see it.

I'm coming closer to a place where Capitol's children are kept, freezing, gathered together. I feel another wave of rage. It's so much in Snow's style, I think, to protect himself with children. Does he really think the rebels care? Does he expect them not to hurt them? Those are Capitol's children, the ones that were never sent to the arena. I am scared for them.

Then I see a hovercraft coming and there are packages sent down to the kids. They looked like those I got in the arena.

Naturally, the kids come to them, hoping for food.

Something seems off though, but I keep going. I need to get to the dungeons now. I have my gun with me and therefore, I have a backup plan. I could shoot and hope for the electrical lock to be fried, so I could get through. Also, they might be guards down there, but I am prepared to kill them all.

Suddenly, I see an explosion and I can just stand here, horrified by what I am seeing.

The packages are bombs, I realize and watch the slaughter. The slaughter on little children!

Then I wonder why Snow would do this? Why killing his own people? I know he has a granddaughter, so why? Is he so heartless?

After few more seconds something else comes to my mind. I watch the medics running to help. They aren't medics from the Capitol, they are from 13! And then I see _her._ My little duck…

"NOO!" I find myself screaming, not caring that I have just revealed my true identity.

I remember Gale in the Command Centre back in 13, talking to Beetee. He was selling him his idea for a weapon. Bombs that go off and then they go off again, creating much larger explosion when other people come to help.

"NOO! PRIM! STAY AWAY!" I run toward the bombed site and I scream as loud as I can.

She doesn't hear me. She just…

Then I feel myself being thrown into the air by the force of another explosion until I eventually hit something very hard that knocks my breath out.

I can just lie on whatever I landed. I feel pain. I don't even know if the air comes into my lungs or maybe I'm dead already? My eyes are closed. My body is numb.

I must lie like a rag doll, comes through my mind.

Yet, the physical injuries don't bother me, something else is there, in me, much stronger, much painful. I would prefer to die in agony than to feel it inside me now. There is no cure for it, nothing can ever make it better.

I recite: Boggs. Dead. Finnick. Dead. Peeta. Gone. Gale. Gone. Prim… _DEAD._

It sounds so odd, so unfamiliar. It doesn't belong here. She doesn't belong to the dead! She belongs to this world, to the living. Even though there is a war and we mostly suffer… she can't be…

That is when the physical pain finally hits me, reminding me that I am not quite as dead as I thought. Maybe I just wanted to be dead. To see her again?

I am very much alive. I feel pain in my joints and I am pretty sure my ankle is twisted. Maybe by the fall. I feel something burning and I realize my hair caught fire at the end, but it didn't spread. I also feel burning sensation in my left arm and I raise my right to stop the fire.

I'm not burning. It's just that my skin is hurt, singed and I feel blisters forming on it.

It's like a reminder of the first time in the arena when I was running from fire. I burnt my thigh then. This pain is the same now. Another bitter irony for a girl that used to be on fire.

I lie back on the ground. I have no strength left. Why would I even go on when my sister… when she…

I want to cry and I feel my eyes stinging, but yet… tears don't flow. Why?

Suddenly, something breaks through to me. I still need to be strong, I remember. I still have something to fight for.

There is only one name on my mind now and it's not Snow. I forget about killing Snow for a moment, because I need to save someone who might still be alive.

_Haymitch_, I think and I raise myself up. I don't know where my strength is coming from, but I go on.

I need to see on my own eyes what happened to him. Is he dead? Or maybe…

But why would I hope for him to survive when everyone around me is dying?

I look around, trying to assess when I am and I see the side of the presidential building. The force of the explosion touched it. I see the door blown apart and I am free to enter it.

Is it some bizarre twist of fate? Or just a coincidence?

I don't think. I just go.

My last chance can be behind this door. Without him I will be just an empty shell and someone can as well shoot me on the spot.

Oh no, I will kill Snow first and then let the Peacekeepers shoot me, I decide.

I don't know how it is that I am strong enough to run, but I do. I'm running and go through that hole in the building, almost fall down the stairs that materialize before me.

I grab the rail and I slowly go lower and lower… I don't know where my gun is… I realize in horror. If some Peacekeeper is there, I am as good as dead.

I pray for a miracle and I can't believe that it happens. I don't see anyone, just a row of empty cells, some rats running and cold, such a cold I shiver and put my arms around myself.

The war required every single unit to fight, I think, so probably that is why there are no guards in here. Or it's a trap, that crosses my mind too, but I don't care. I have no choice but to go on.

Only if no one's here, then Haymitch is gone too…

Suddenly, when I'm about to just crash and burn here because I don't see him… something is there in the back corner, on the cold ground, cowering.

I make a few steps forward and every one is slower than the previous. I think I know what I will find and I don't want to find it. I want to find him healthy and unscathed, but my mind knows it's impossible.

I start shaking when only a few feet separate me from the figure on the ground.

It's a man. Stripped naked. Head shaved. Hands and legs in shackles. Blood on his wrists and angles from the restrictions. On his back I see fresh lashes and I remember when Gale was whipped.

I'm shaking more and more as I take into that image. Then my knees just give up and I land on them on the floor, probably bruising them. My hands go up like they were moving without me knowing and I shed my singed jacket.

I gently put the piece of clothing on the middle of Haymitch's and then I dare to take his bald head in my hand and gently turn it to me.

There is no doubt it's him. I might have been mistaken a moment before as I was and probably still am in shock, but now I see his face. So different where there is no golden hair around it, but yet so familiar and so dear to me.

That is when I break and I start to cry.

I gently cradle his head on my laps and run my hands through his arms, trying to restore the blood circulation in his veins, so he can get warmer.

I just sit here, crying, weeping for all the people I saw dying, weeping for my sister and now for the pain that the love of my live had to go through.

They must know where I am, I make myself believe, because I can't move from here. I am not so strong to take Haymitch out of here, not even to break the shackles with no weapon, and I am not leaving him. No chance in hell.

What is left from my unit must know that this would be my final stop as I have already lost everything else.

I stroke his face and suddenly, a moan escapes his parched lips.

"Haymitch?" I say so quietly it's barely a whisper. The sound doesn't want to come through my tightened throat.

I see his eyes opening slowly and then I watch the blue pupils I love so much. Is this the only part of him that remained the same? I think.

"Ka…" he wheezes and stops. I wish I could give him water, but I don't have any. "Sweet… heart," he finally says and my hearts breaks on hearing it. "I knew you'd come for me, sweetheart." After that he closes his eyes again and I just cry harder. I kiss his mouth and I hold him tight. I am not leaving.

After few quiet moments interrupted only by my sobbing, I hear something, something that resembles my name.

Am I going insane or someone is really looking for me?

Then I hear footsteps and… a shot goes out.

I turn myself with mouth widely opened, just to see a Peacekeeper falling down to the ground, shot dead.

Over him I see Gale.

"Katniss…" he starts and stops on seeing what is going on. "Oh my god…

"Help him," I ask him with hoarse voice that doesn't even sound like mine. "Please, Gale, I'm begging you, help him. I can't lose him too. He's all I have."

Gale looks at me in shock. Yes, I know what he must be thinking. This is just a bald, old man on the ground and I hold him as he was the dearest and most loved thing to me. And he is. He really is. Love is more than just a body, although to me Haymitch is and will always be attractive.

Soon, Gabe calls for help and they evacuate us after breaking Haymitch's shackles and giving him a blanket.

I don't see anything on my way. I am too busy holding Haymitch's hand when they carry him on a stretcher.

Then we're on the plane and he is finally covered with all the blankets I could find.

I am in pain and I am numb in the same time. I can't think of who I lost today. I just can't. I need to be strong again, for him, because he has been through so much worse than the arena itself. And it's my fault. Again.

I just stroke his head, feeling prickling of the hair growing back underneath my palm. I want to be back in 13 as fast as possible, so I could get him to a hospital.

* * *

**AN: **Are you crying with me?

**AN1: **I'm sorry for cutting the part when Katniss was actually getting into the Capitol, but I didn't see much point in describing it since I wouldn't change anything in it. Also, it's not my favorite part, I find it quite tedious.


	21. Chapter 21

**Part 21**

_Katniss POV_

I am seriously worrying now. Haymitch is unconscious and he's barely breathing. I know that time counts and he needs to get to hospital as fast as possible.

Fortunately, we're already landing.

Gale, among many soldiers, is here with me, but he doesn't speak. I know what he must be thinking, but I am too shaken to talk about _this _right now. Was it his bomb? Was it 13 that decided to bomb the children? What was Prim doing there?

I barely feel Haymitch's pulse and I scream to the rest that we need to hurry.

Few minutes later we are bringing him into the hospital wing and I'm frantically looking for my mother.

Finally, I see her. She's sitting in a chair in the corner, her face in her hands and she's crying.

Suddenly, I feel dread. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to face her, I don't want to see the empty look in her eyes. I don't want to see her breaking like she did when my father died.

"Mum?" But I need to go, because I trust no one else here to take care of Haymitch. Surely, she must understand how much he means to me, especially now. My voice is shaking.

"Katniss!" she calls my name. "Thank god!" And then she's there, by my side, hugging me and weeping into my hair.

"Mum… I… I'm so sorry," I say because I don't know what else should I say.

"What was she thinking?!" I suddenly hear her raising her voice and she lets go off me. She's angry now. "What was she thinking while getting into that hovercraft?! Why they even let her?!"

"I don't know," I mumble, "I don't know."

I hate to see her like that. I hate to see her suffering. A parent should not lose their child, not ever, it was inhuman. I feel like since the day Prim was reaped to go to the arena, she was never truly free. Like her destiny was…

"Mum," I push aside the agonizing thoughts of my sister. What if I lose one more person? Then I will die for sure. "Mum," I say urgently and place my hands on her shoulders, shaking her lightly. "Mum, I need… I need your help. Please, be strong for me for few more minutes, please…" I cry again.

"What are you talking about?" she asks me, looking at me with her hazy eyes.

"Haymitch," I breathe out, "I saved him, but he needs help. Mum, I trust only you. Mum, please."

She shakes her head and I am left speechless.

"I can't, Katniss, I just… I can't… No… too many memories… She… She was working… here…"

"Mum! Don't leave me here!" I yell after her, but she's gone already. "MUM!" She's not coming back.

* * *

In the end, I didn't need my mum. The medics from 13 took care of Haymitch and now he's out of the woods.

The roles are reversed again and I am the one sitting by him, never leaving his side, sleeping with my head on the bed, right next to Haymitch's hand.

I watch the colors slowly getting back to his cheeks, the blond stubble on his jaw and the growing hair, but he's still in a coma. The medics say he should wake up any minute and that there is no brain damage or any danger to his life anymore. I don't care, I'm still sitting by his side, refusing to leave for any meeting in the Command Centre. They seem to wait for me anyway. Like I was important, I think bitterly. If I was that important, they would not endanger my sister, because they knew how much she meant to me! The whole Panem knew!

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

I become aware of the life around me. I hear voices, sometimes moans of pain. I feel the specific smell of the hospital and then I know for sure where I am.

"Sweetheart, Katniss," I speak although I have difficulties to say a word. My mouth is so dry. My throat hurts.

"Haymitch?" I hear her voice, a voice full of hope and disbelief. "Haymitch, look at me. I love you, please, wake up."

I feel something being put to my lips and I recognize the rim of a glass. I drink in gulps because I am so thirsty.

Finally, when the water runs out, I manage to open my eyes. At first I see everything like from behind a thick fog, but then when I blink a few times, the vision clears and I see Katniss's gray eyes.

"Sweetheart," I repeat my favorite nickname for her.

"Yes, Haymitch, I'm here, I love you." She's crying and then she kisses me gently on the lips. "How are you feeling?"

"What happened?" I ask the perfect question. Then I'm assaulted by memories. Memories of being tortured. Memories of pain. I close my eyes, wince my face.

"I'm sorry, so, so sorry you had to go through this," I hear her full of pain voice.

Isn't it enough already? I think. Isn't there enough pain to begin with? Why do we need more? What's the point? Have we already crossed the line where there's nothing human left in us?

"Katniss, what happened?" I repeat, because I really want to know. I can feel something is terribly wrong. I just need to know what. It's not only me. I am alive. There's something else bothering her, something else sucking the life out of her.

"My mum's gone. She went to 4 to work there in a hospital," she answers.

"Why?" I watch her face carefully, looking for any sign. "Katniss, what about Prim?"

I witness Katniss closing her eyes in pain, tears streaming down her face nevertheless and she weeps, "Oh, Haymitch."

I am left with no words. Prim is dead? Is that possible? Who would kill her? She was the Panem's favorite!

"Come here, sweetheart," I say and spread my arms. I am still sore, but I don't care.

Katniss lies gently by my side on the bed and snuggles into my chest. It's still bruised, but I can handle that kind of pain.

"Finnick is dead," she weeps. "Peeta and Gale are fine."

I can see she clearly avoids the theme, so I wait patiently. I know how hard it is for her.

"Prim… Prim…" she tries, but nothing comes out of her mouth. Finally, she takes a deep breath and says, "Prim is dead, Haymitch. She is… dead."

I can tell that once she finally said it out loud it became a reality for her even though her brain knew the horrible truth earlier.

I can only hold her in my arms and whisper soothing words to her, promise her that I will never leave her, never endanger myself again.

Finally, she falls asleep, snuggled into me. She is exhausted and broken and I'm in no better shape after what happened to me.

I vow silently that I will be strong for her and I will do anything in my power to make her better. It's my job. It's always been my job.

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I am still hurting. Probably, I will always be hurting. At least Haymitch is alive, I think and thank god for that. If I'd been left all alone… Yes, I would've still had Gale, but somehow we grew apart. Maybe it's because of his bombs that I am pretty sure caused the death of my sister, even if he didn't mean it. Maybe it's because during this war I got to know a more vicious side to him. No, I correct myself, it was always there, I just never took it seriously, because back in 12, under Snow's regime, there was nothing Gale could actually do but talk. I always thought those were just empty words. How wrong was I… I don't count Peeta, because he is not the Peeta I knew anymore. His personality is back to normal, but he doesn't care about me like he used to and I'm glad about it. Finally, I don't feel like I owe him something. I don't feel guilty that he's suffering because I can't reciprocate his feelings. That one turned out well.

Haymitch is slowly getting better. He can finally walk. At first I helped him get out of bed or go to the bathroom. He didn't like that much, but I convinced him that I loved him and I did it out of love and care, not pity, besides, he would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.

Finally, he is able to walk all by himself with a little help of a walking stick. The medics say that soon he will be strong enough to do it all by himself.

We are finally called to the Command Centre and we can't get out of this one. It's mandatory. I think I even want to go. I want to know what will happen to the Panem. I want to know if I still can kill Snow.

When we get into the room we see all the remaining victors and it's rather depressing. Out of all seventy five (although some were already dead before the Second Quarter Quell), only six are left.

I hold Haymitch's hand and help him out to his chair, then I sit right next to him. There are five other people by the table: Peeta, Johanna, Annie, Enobaria (I vaguely remember I wanted Coil to grant her immunity and I am surprised she actually got it) and Coil herself.

I find out that Snow is still alive and that I can actually kill him. It will be a public execution. Then I hear something else, "What has been promised," Coin says, "is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population we will have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using children directly related to those who held the most power."

For a moment I sit dumbfounded, but there I feel rage again. I want them to pay, I think. My little, innocent sister was killed because she wanted to help those children! And they didn't deserve help! Prim didn't deserve to die for them!

Coil wants us to vote.

I already know what I want.

Johanna and Enobaria vote yes, of course.

Then Peeta and Annie vote no.

It is up to me and Haymitch.

And I say, "Yes." Then I look at Haymitch.

I can see he's troubled. He's thinking hard on this one and I don't really know why.

"It pains me to say it…" Haymitch finally speaks, "and I know I would like to say yes, but… Katniss, I am sorry, my answer is no."

"After everything they've done to you?!" I find myself yelling at him and I let go off his hand.

He is hurt, I can tell. I hurt him and I feel pain in my heart on the sight of his face right now.

"Sweetheart," he calls me softly, "You know well that I want to say yes so badly, but…" he sighs, "it's not the answer. By doing this we will become nothing less and nothing more than Snow. We need to be better than that. Just think about it… don't let anyone make you a piece in their games ever again."

Suddenly, I understand. It hits me like a bomb.

Snow used me.

Coil used me.

And now I am to become the both of them while using others? To send them to die? Doing, once again, what Coil wants from me?

Haymitch once told me I should go easy on the people of the Capitol, because they were brought up believing that Hunger Games were right. They were taught to enjoy it. What if we still can teach their children that it's wrong? That killing is wrong?

If we don't teach them, then we will be domed as a nation. We will die out as Peeta once said. We need to give a better example to them.

* * *

**AN **I hope you're not mad at me for this little twist with the next Games. I just never felt that it was right to vote yes. I understood Haymitch and Katniss, I did, but then I thought if Haymitch loved Katniss like in this story, he would still try to protect her, so… I did what I did.

**AN1 **I think there are about two chapters left plus epilogue or less. I am not sure, but I will finish till Christmas's over.


	22. Chapter 22

**AN **Uh oh, so I made a mistake in the previous chapter. It's not Coil, but Coin. I hope you can forgive me and now I will write it the correct way.

* * *

**Part 22**

_Katniss POV_

They're dressing me up to be the Mockinjay one last time.

The public execution of Snow is due one hour and I will be the one to shoot him with an arrow. One may think it's poetic.

Even though my body is in the room, my mind is somewhere else.

We came back to the Capitol for this event and I wondered into some unfamiliar part of the presidential mansion. It was like fate brought me there, because I encountered Snow.

He told me something that just can't stop bothering me.

Coin was waiting until the districts and the Capitol would finish each other, so she could take the reign with minimal life lost in 13. Also, the bomb that killed my sister and ended the war was released by the rebels.

I don't want to believe it, but Snow might have had a point there. He told me that if he had a hovercraft at his disposal, he would escape, not bomb children. Why would he kill the kids that were never meant to be sent to the arena?

Looks like we are all still being played. By Coin.

The door opens and I'm woken up from my reverie by Gale.

My prep team applies last touches on me, but I am ready, so they let Gale in and disappear.

We are just standing there, me in front of the mirror, he by the door, not saying anything until I finally break the silence, asking the perfect question, "Was it your bomb?" I don't need to elaborate, he understands me perfectly.

"I don't know," he answers honestly and I can hear pain in his voice. "Neither does Beetee. Does it matter? You'll always be thinking about it."

He is right.

I see him for the last time.

He soon leaves and Haymitch walks into the room.

I still have troubles getting used to him having such short hair. Not that I mind, but it reminds me of all those tortures he experienced here, in this building's dungeons.

"Are you alright?" I ask him with care in my voice and I walk over to him, put my arms around his neck, hugging him.

"Yes, sweetheart, I'm fine."

"It's just… this place… I shouldn't have brought you back here."

"I wouldn't have let you go alone," he tells me and cups my face. "Are you sure you can do this? No one forces you."

"I am," I tell him and I kiss him. "I need to do this. This is the last point on my list of things to do."

"And then what?" he asks me, his blue eyes piercing, illuminating.

"Then we'll be together and we'll finally be free," I say.

* * *

I am standing here, my bow ready, the single arrow I got aimed at Snow.

I'm very close, so there is no way I can miss. Still, I don't release it. Not yet.

I still hear Snow's words in my head. Was it Coin that sent my sister to combat? There is really no other explanation. No one would take Prim on board, because she was still a child, unless, they had direct orders from the president. Coin knew that I was, probably still am, the only person who endangered her reins. She wanted me to be eliminated. Maybe she thought I would go crazy after losing Haymitch and then Prim. Maybe she thought I would not find Haymitch in the Capitol, that I either die or go mad. Like Annie.

She was wrong. She couldn't foresee that I would succeed in one thing, in getting the man I loved back. That kept me going. That prevented me from breaking completely.

Haymitch's words are in my head now. We shouldn't become Snow. We should act the opposite to our oppressors.

Does it mean I should show mercy to the one person that destroyed my life?

Surprisingly enough, it isn't Snow. Well, partially, yes, but the person, who took one of the dearest things from me forever, is Coin.

I still hate Snow, I still hate him for what he has done to Haymitch, but I have got Haymitch back. I will never see Prim again. Never see her growing up. I have only one arrow. And after the execution of Snow, Coin will be the leader. She was the one who presented the ideas for symbolic Hunger Games, wasn't she? How do I know for sure that she won't keep it going? How do I know she will not lock the Capitol children like we were locked in districts all those years? How do I know that I will not be forced to watch different Hunger Games every year?

I turn and I shoot Coin.

I am immediately caught by guards and they take my bow. As I could do something with it without an arrow, I think vaguely.

I hear Snow laughing hard. I hear the audience screaming and running.

What have I done?

I should just kill myself before I will be killed by someone else in revenge.

Wait… and leave Haymitch? Why didn't I think of that possibility before? What if they kill me and Haymitch will be left alone?

I am so stupid. I promised him a life together and now… my foolish act has destroyed it.

I am crying.

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

For a moment I am frozen in shock.

She has just killed Coin instead of Snow.

I am already scared about the consequences and I do what I always do, I run to help her. Even though I am in love with her and she is in love with me, even though we are officially together and that will never change, I still feel like I need to protect her, I still feel like her mentor.

They won't let me though. I try to fight them all to get to Katniss, but I am still weak… to week to beat dozens of guards…

* * *

_Katniss POV_

I am genuinely surprised that I am still alive. They locked me up in a solitary and they only go in to get me food or water. I haven't seen Haymitch for days and I feel double pain. I suffer for me and I suffer for him. What he must have been being going through… I rather not to think of it, but then… what else there is to think? Everyone else I care about is dead. There are still Peeta, Annie and Johanna, but they are too far away, back in 13.

I stop screaming the second day. There is no point really. If they want to keep me here, they will and I can't do anything about that.

It's the lack of things to do and the anticipation for what is going to happen to me that is killing me.

Then, finally, the door opens and this time no one comes through with food or drinks.

"Haymitch?" I ask in disbelief as he stands in the threshold, just looking at me.

Maybe I'm hallucinating?

* * *

_Haymitch POV_

I have no idea how I have survived those last few days, but I have. I feel much stronger now. It's like the tribunal forced me to think strategically again, like being away from Katniss made me stronger, so I could go back to her, so I could save her that one last time.

And now, finally, I am here, looking at her. She is shocked that I am the one who came through the door, but then the shock is over and she thrusts herself into my arms and I take a strong hold on her. I will never let her go. _Never._

"What happened?" she asks, her voice muffled because her lips are pressed against my sweater.

"Your tribunal is over. Come on, we're going home," I say those precious words and I see her pulling away slightly to look at my face. She doesn't understand.

"What home?"

"I'll tell you everything on the way," I say, brushing the hair from her face and caressing her cheek. "Unless you want to spend another minute in this mansion."

"Oh, no, I want to go," she decides. "So… they won't kill me?"

"No, I managed to convince them that you were unstable after losing your sister and finding me in those dangerous in such bad condition," I tell her. "Plutarch helped. You're out of the woods. Also, the new president doesn't hold a grudge against you…"

* * *

_Katniss POV_

President Snow either choked to death on his own blood or was crashed by the fleeting audience when I shot Coin.

Well, I don't care how it happened exactly, I am just glad he is dead and I don't have anything else to do. Now I just want to be with Haymitch. I want to heal, although I know I will never achieve the latter. It's just too much lost, too much pain to ever forget it.

We come back to 12.

As it turns out, the Victors' Village is still standing.

Snow burnt the whole district but this one part of the land. I don't know if that was something he planned. Maybe he wanted a camera crew to be able to stay somewhere when they would come to make a video to show to the whole Panem like they did with 13's destruction.

I am just glad I don't have to live there or in the Capitol. The 12 is where I was growing up. Here are my best memories even if some of them are painful.

When we come home it's late and I lead Haymitch to the bathroom when I make a bubbly bath.

Then we both take it, just like we did right before the Quarter Quell.

I lie in his arms and I can't believe we are together and there will never be anything to break us apart again. I am so grateful that he survived. But we are survivors, aren't we? We are the remaining victors, we came out of the arena and we learnt to survive. The past showed that nothing can break us apart and I know I can't ask for anything more as I don't consider myself a very good person… but still, I so wish my sister was alive.

"We need to live, so we can make their deaths count," I suddenly speak out loud.

I think of everyone. Of Rue. All those kids that died in the arena with her. I think of Maggs. Wiress. Morphlings. I think of Cinna. Finnick. Boggs… Prim… My father…The list is so long that it pains me to think of all those names, but I can't forget. I just can't.

I turn my head and find Haymitch's lips, then I kiss him.

"Let's go to bed," I tell him and he silently agrees.

When we're in our bedroom I kiss him again, wanting to show him how much I am glad that he's here with me, that I have got him back.

"I love you so much," I say.

"I love you too, sweetheart."

I kiss his broken body as he kisses mine. My arm is still covered in scarred tissue after the fire I caught when Prim died. He still wears a scar on his abdomen. I still have a burning mark on my thigh. He have lashes on his back.

We are scarred, but we are in this together. We have always belonged to each other.

"I need it hard," I tell him because I have been craving him for so long. "I need to forget… Make me forget…" I ask, so he does it. He enters me and brings me to my climax with deep, fast and hard strokes. I never want him to stop. I never want him to let me go.

"Marry me," he asks when we're done, he's lying on his back, I with my head on his chest.

"I wish you'd asked sooner," I tell him and I know that the next day we will have a wedding and as a tradition in 12, we will bake some toasts and say our vows. Then I realize with a smile on my lips that all the dresses Cinna made for me are still here, in this house, except the one I gave Annie for her wedding with Finnick.

* * *

**AN **Tomorrow there's epilogue coming and two videos. Then it's goodbye.


	23. Chapter 23

**Epilogue**

He is here. Her anchor. Her love. Her everything. Katniss thinks as she watches Haymitch.

He watches her too and he can finally say he managed to make her happy.

He looked just like when she met him. He is a few years older now, of course, but his hair is the longish blond she remembers, although now she can find some gray streaks in it. He had been through a lot in the Capitol and he is over 40 years old, so it's only natural. She doesn't mind. She will always love everything about him.

She knows that if it hadn't been for him, she wouldn't have survived her sister's death. She wouldn't have survived the first and the second arena and the war either. She would've been dead by now.

He is her salvation. Always has been. Without him her life has no purpose and this goes both ways.

They got married as they promised to each other and even though Katniss has nightmares from time to time, nightmares of Haymitch being tortured in the Capitol, being killed, he is always there for her when she wakes up, proving her how alive he really is with his kisses and his body.

Sometimes she dreams of Snow laughing at her, of Coin taking the reign, of Prim dying, of herself being sent to the arena with Haymitch and having to kill him. Once, she even had a dream that she was the girl who cut Haymitch's stomach.

Fortunately, those are just dreams and she has learnt how to live with them.

She screams and he wakes her up, whispering the shooting words, "It's alright, sweetheart. I'm here. I will always be here by your side. You have my word. I promise."

Life goes on…

She is sitting now on a bench near the meadow, watching two figures playing. The little blond boy is laughing as Haymitch lifts him up from the ground.

Katniss thinks of all the people that once were close to her. Of Gale that is now working in District 2, married with kids. She is happy that he, somehow, found his place in this world. She wouldn't want him to be alone, but she wouldn't like to see him either. It would be too painful.

Annie gave birth to Finnick's son and now, surprisingly, she is married to Peeta. Those two got close after Finnick's death and what was just a friendship once, now has turned into love. Katniss is happy for them too. She is happy that Peeta got his chance at love again and that this time it is reciprocated.

At first Katniss didn't want to have children. She once told Haymitch she would like to start a family with him, but then Prim died and something broke inside her heart broke once and for all.

Eventually, she started wanting it again.

The little boy in Haymitch's arms turns to her and yells, "Mummy! Mummy! Come play with us!"

Katniss smiles broadly and heaves herself from the bench.

She gets to the two men she loves more than anything in this world. She kisses Haymitch in the lips, then the little boy in the forehead and they hug.

"What do you want to do?" she asks the boy.

"I wanna go swimming in the lake!"

"Then let's go swimming in the lake!" she says with real enthusiasm.

They walk to the lake together, as a family, the little boy between his parents, holding their hands.

Haymitch looks at Katniss and he feels like he has never been happier. She smiles back to him and her lips move in silent "I love you".

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**AN **I want to thank all of you for your constant support and comments on this story. It wouldn't be alive without you reading, so really, from the depths of my heart- **thank you!**

I have prepared something for you if you don't want to say goodbye just yet.

Two videos I made some time ago, but didn't upload because of spoilers.

One - Conquest of Paradise (the whole story of Haymitch&Katniss):

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vimeo

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.com

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82638473

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And the other, Wicked Games (Katniss & Haymitch post-Mockinjay, trying to cope with their past):

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82640015

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All important scenes are there, including the end and epilogue… wanna know how I did that? Watch!

Sorry that those links here look this way, but it's not allowed to paste videos to the story. If you don't know how to put this together, you can go to my profile and get the full links!


	24. Author's Note, do not ignore

Hi, guys,

I just wanted to tell you that it was very nice [ironically of course]

from Phoenix2312 to use my picture in her own story, Ignite The Fire.

I made that picture and she didn't even ask for permission. Not a very nice move, is it?


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